A tested and proven method with detailed steps, designed by a woman, for women, to accelerate healing, build up confidence and restore your belief in fairytales once again!
1. It's OK to feel hurt, embarrassed, or even mad! Acknowledgement is always the first step. Embrace it, don't shun it - you're going to need it for step 6!
2. Grab your diary and book out the next weekend - its important not to have àny commitments over this time. Washing your car and shaving your dog is nòt priority right now! Inform your close contacts that you will nòt be able to babysit over this time.
3. Essentials to stock up on beforehand, include, a moderate supply of your favourite red wine (the idea is nòt to drown your aching), sexy PJ's, I suggest 3 or more sets, but it has to be comfy ànd sexy, (we're bùilding confidence and your oversized t-shirts will be counter productive here!), uncapped wifi/internet is essential, and finally, a sound system that has the potential to get you evicted at 2am. Beg, borrow, (don't) steal, but make sure you a powerful sound!
4. Populate a youtube/spotify music playlist - the paid version - with at least 250 of your favourite songs. Make sure to include various different genres! Your first instinct will be to load sad, accoustic love songs, but you will need a compilation of various genres, trust me. Non negotiable songs include anything by Alanis Morrisette, Billie Eilish, and Cigarettes after sex. The rest is just in support of those 3 artists. Don't be afraid to include remixes and stripped versions too!
5. When the weekend comes, get into a comfortable laying position with all your supplies within arms length, you will get up for 3 things only during the next 48 hours, bathroom breaks, uber deliveries, and taking a shower. The idea is to move as lìttle as possible during this time as your energy will be directed towards the emotions emerging mentioned in step 1.
6. Finally, turn your sound system up as loud as legally permissable in your area, and work that playlist while consuming supplies as needed. 'Work' includes belting out the words as if you are singing for a stadium, after a few hours your voice will fade, buy dont worry, it comes back. Expect a range of emotions that will appear and change sometimes every few minutes, its ok! If you cry, forget about not looking ugly! If you laugh, do it with abundance! Do or do not, there is no try!
You will fall asleep at various intervals during the weekend, when you wake up, it's bathroom break, uber eats and resume playlist...
Things to avoid as far as possible during this time:
1. Phoning your ex! Its a BIG no no! Block,delete,whatever it takes.
2. Thinking you're strong enough by Saturday night to go out, you're nòt! Trust the process!
3. Binging on chocolates and ice cream will result in mourning of your hard earned figure! I suggest comfortable, but nourishing food. No need for salads though...
4. Don't update social media statusses during this time!
Naturally, as time goes by during these 2 days, you will progress from breakup up songs, to revenge songs, to empowerment and finally, victory songs. The songs will become you and victory and breakthrough will reflect off of your face by Sunday. Put on your crown, and walk out proudly.
You are the Queen - now go rule!
*For a list of recommended artists, or more credible and proven satiric methods of dealing with life, contact the author.✌
