15 Jun 2017

The meaning we each give to our sexuality, changes and evolves with us, as we mature. Over the last almost five years, I have progressively discovered a deeper significance of intimacy and Sex in my own life.

One evening, having not been with a man for a while (longer than I care to admit) I “hooked up” with someone and we had Sex. But, I had to stop it. I had to tell him that we had to stop, because it just felt SO mechanical and wrong. WTF? Yes, I was embarrassed and it was incredibly brave. I also have a lot of respect for him, for listening to me, when I told him that it just did NOT feel right. But, why? Why, oh why, did I stop? Because, how cum it has been integrated into our minds, that Sex is not done, untill we have reached an orgasm or the white spot has been shot out? Why do we find it so hard and even difficult at times, to communicate about our needs, when we really are not enjoying what is going on?

Do we ever take the time to think about: “What does Sex mean to me?”

I have had plenty of “uncommitted sex for the fun of it.” Yes, me! LOL And, it has all been during the last few years, after my second marriage failed. The Sex that I think back on, with a smile of cheekiness, but also the Sex I think back on with a facial expression of despair, followed by the sound of “Urghff..” Nope, I would rather not think about “those times,” because they leave me with a feeling of……. Could it be shame? “Those times,” where I have had Sex without really wanting it. “Those times,” where I have lost the feeling of connection to myself and my body, mind and soul; and, with whoever was involved.

There have been times where I have been lying there, waiting for the man (a husband too….LOL) to “finish up.” Times, where I halfheartedly and possibly a bit shyly would say, “You can cum now if you’re ready,” or times, where I have faked my moaning voice to say:”Oh yes........ I want you to cum now,” and gotten things put into action, by pretending that I would love nothing more than to be covered with semen.

Yes, we women DO have many tricks up our sleeve, when we want Sex to cum to an end. A lot of women even make a ritual, out of faking their orgasms. So, why do I, and perhaps many others, continue to have Sex, and sometimes, without really wanting it? I always thought that Sex was not “finished,” till the man had ejaculated. I always felt that I needed to "please" him, in order to feel good about myself, as a sexual woman.

Initially, especially when I was married, I was too insecure about communicating as to what my mind and my body were telling me, because I was afraid of “ruining” what I thought he felt was some amazing bed-shagging. But, at the same time, I used to feel distant and disappointed with my partner, if I did not get an orgasm. By starting to think more about my own sexuality and of my own worth, as a sexual woman, I realized that my perspective on Sex was actually very narrow-minded, and that I, among the majority of people out there, thought of Sex merely as a “tool” to reach physical pleasure and manipulate. By trying to get out of that state of mind, which told me that I needed to reach an orgasm or that my man had to ejaculate, I started finding myself being able to relax (to feel!) a lot more, and the feeling of surrendering into the lovemaking, became easier and more intense, as I became more present with what was going on.

Slowly, I started to experience the deeper and really beautiful connections that happen during Sex, as bodily orgasms would find their flow within me and open my heart, which made me realize,that Sex is SO much more than a physical thing and that it can be used, as a portal to create something fucking “mind blowing” between two people.

If I now feel like the energy is a bit flat, or find myself being too much in my mind – thinking too much - I get absolutely nothing out of feeling a penis, rubbing itself inside me. No…..Stop! Then, I would rather cuddle, focus on my breathing, on eye contact or on feeling my heart and body; I let the sexual energy find its natural stream into the bedroom again – and IF it does not, then that is OK.

Sex means a LOT to me, and I, therefore, see it as my own responsibility to steer the wondrous ride into the direction I want; into the direction where I am capable of letting go and surrendering into the feeling, of being in the now, with another person. I love getting orgasms and pleasuring my man, however, the essence of Sex for me is NOT about all of that.

To me, Sex is kind of…….. sacred. It can open me up like a rosebud that is feeding off the sunshine (IF I am with the right man.) It can bring me to places of pure ecstasy, where I allow myself to completely surrender, like stepping over a precipice and falling into an abyss. It can bring me closer to my partner in so many ways and it can be truly beautiful. Yes, Sex IS definitely very important to me, which is why I never could go out and have casual sex .......... again!

I CAN live without Sex - until I make the right connection - and, meet a man, who will make my heart jump and my panties wet!!!

So ............ What does Sex mean to you?