it was a midweek afternoon in a room for massage i had been yearning, wanting i asked to see her i was battling guilt and confusion i did not understand and could not control this gnaw in the pit of my stomach the one that ate me from within i would maintain but even in bed as i lay face down i felt its drumming pulse it was quiet the gentle hiss of hands hands moist oily glide was all but a breeze in the room i had been anxious and shaking and she had calmed me though now she touch the base of my spine it connected deep into my root chakra primal and she felt it knew it she said nothing though but continued with a measured knowing pace i wanted to speak in fact beg and cry i swallowed she knew of my gag reflex and its trigger she knew my mouth was a supplicant vessel had seen me gag on objects on command my body began to trembe twitch my breath halted i pushed against but it only entered me more that hunger felt the twitching begin to hum the coarse material of the towel shh she said soothingly i prayed i prayed for containment and she just said... you will not this is you... you are in the loop and deepening accept accept there was to be more but those words entered me like a silent passenger and i nodded close to tears...