she told me of the loop..

it was a midweek afternoon

in a room for massage

i had been yearning, wanting

i asked to see her

i was battling guilt and confusion

i did not understand and could not control this gnaw in the pit of my stomach

the one that ate me from within

i would maintain but even in bed as i lay face down i felt its drumming pulse

it was quiet

the gentle hiss of hands hands moist oily glide was all but a breeze in the room

i had been anxious and shaking and she had calmed me

though now she touch the base of my spine

it connected deep into my root chakra

primal

and she felt it

knew it

she said nothing though

but continued with a measured knowing pace

i wanted to speak

in fact beg and cry

i swallowed

she knew of my gag reflex and its trigger

she knew my mouth was a supplicant vessel

had seen me gag on objects on command

my body began to trembe

twitch

my breath halted

i pushed against but it only entered me more

that hunger

felt the twitching begin to hum the coarse material of the towel

shh

she said soothingly

i prayed

i prayed for containment

and she just said...

you will not

this is you...

you are in the loop

and deepening

accept

accept

there was to be more

but those words entered me like a silent passenger

and i nodded close to tears...