22 Jun 2017

Today, the gloves are off!

I am going to talk candidly about one of the most significant issues facing all of us, who frequent such forums: Sexual Happiness. To be sure, much has been written about sexual satisfaction in relationships or just through casual sex, but I am going to take a slightly different approach, because I believe there is a big difference between having Sex and being sexualy happy.

So, what is the difference between having Sex and being sexually happy?

Well, here it is: Any idiot can have Sex. The procedure is simple. The drive is hardwired. The urge is instinctive. In fact, having Sex may just be the most universal activity on this planet. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even single-cell Amoeba do it. Obviously, having Sex is not rocket science. However, being sexually happy is a completely different story. Here is why: Sexual happiness is NOT found in Sex or fucking or even making love. (Gasp!) It is not mechanical, it is not automatic, and perhaps most importantly, it is not even physical.

Then, if sexual happiness is not found in Sex........ WTF is it?

That is an awesome question; and, the answer differs for everyone. Why? Because sexual happiness is NOT measured by external yardsticks, but by individual experience. It is about our levels of satisfaction with the quality of our sexual connection with others.

In other words............

Sexual happiness goes far beyond the mechanics to include the meaning and emotions associated with our experiences. And, it is exactly because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of sexual happiness that human beings are the ONLY animals with the potential to achieve it.

What exactly is sexual happiness?

It helps to think of sexual happiness as being a state of mind - much like Love or Trust. Although we may not be able to define exactly what it is, you know when it is present or absent.

Let me begin by saying what it is NOT:

Sexual happiness is not found in Sex; it is created in relationships - casual maybe, committed hopefully.

Sexual happiness includes Sex, but is not limited to sexual activities.

Sexual happiness is not found in satisfying physical urges; it emerges from satisfying connections.

Sexual happiness is not mechanical; it is an emotional experience.

Sexual happiness is not about sharing bodies; it is about two people sharing themselves with each other.

Sexual happiness is not superficial; it is a deeply intimate exchange.

Sexual happiness is not built on techniques; it is built on trust.

Sexual happiness is not found in variety; it is found in creativity.

Sexual happiness is not the result of lust; it is the result of emotional intimacy.

I define sexual happiness, as having all the "Love," Sex, and Intimacy we want within a "relationship" that allows us to give and receive the widest range of sexual expression possible for both partners. Perhaps the most important insight is - Sexual happiness is a byproduct of the relationship or the connection between two people. In other words, while it only takes one partner to be sexually satisfied, it takes TWO to create the conditions for sexual happiness.

A key sign of sexual happiness in a relationship (casual or committed) is a couple's ability (willingness) to endlessly renew the sexual energy between them. Therefore, the term sexual happiness describes couples, who are able to rekindle, renew, and expand their sexual enjoyment with each other............. indefinitely!

Since sexual happiness is a byproduct of the connection and not of the individual, how exactly do we go about creating the conditions by which sexual happiness occurs?

TRUST is the ultimate aphrodisiac - especially for women - as without it, sexual intimacy is impossible. This is because the true meaning of the word intimacy is IN-TO-ME-SEE. It is the willingness to allow our inner world to be seen, known, and "loved" by another. Therefore, there is no intimacy without trust, and no trust without transparency.

We need to bring more to the bedroom than just our bodies, as PASSION is not found in Sex; passion is found in the people having Sex. To fully embrace sexual passion, we must be fully present IN the moment. In other words, we must bring our mind, body, and soul to the lovemaking experience. This means being conscious, aware, and awake - mentally and emotionally - wherever the Sex is taking place; hopefully NOT only in the bedroom!

We must cherish FREEDOM and banish inhibitions, because everything, including Sex, begins with thought. The mind that is blocked by inhibiting beliefs, cannot fully embrace sexual happiness, freedom, and joy. Therefore, it is important to banish and discard sexual taboo's from your mind. This can be easier said than done, as it requires trust and courage, but know that the rewards are priceless.

Embrace RITUALS of pleasure and not routines. Routines are the enemy of romance, and predictability, cools the fires of passion. To counteract these twin forces, you must consciously design and embrace rituals of pleasure. Rituals of pleasure are specific thoughts, actions, and activities that massage, animate, and stimulate your sensual and emotional pleasure centers.

The secret to Better Sex is Better Foreplay, because it is never the Sex that gets boring.. It is always the FOREPLAY that is lacking. While there is nothing really new to learn in Sex per say, there IS always newness to discover with foreplay. Therefore, one of the biggest secrets to increasing sexual happiness is found in exploring variety and newness in our foreplay. One of the best ways to do this?........WATCH THIS SPACE!

The good news is that we all have the ability to create conditions for sexual happiness. The bad news is that we are NOT all willing to do whatever it takes to create it. Why? There are probably as many reasons for NOT creating sexual happiness as there are for creating it. However, for those who do want to enjoy a lifetime of sexual happiness, there are certain obstacles that must first be removed.

What are the obstacles?

It is a serious mistake to underestimate the power of newness to spike sexual appetites. Those of us, who rely exclusively on familiarity, control or comfort to do the job, leave the back door open for temptation to sneak in. Learn to welcome and share new adventures in your intimate activities.

If you are still chasing skirts (or pants) or Sex is the Holy Grail in your life and, the list of things you will not do in the bedroom is longer than the list of things you will do, then the chances are that you have failed to grow up sexually. (I can admit to this, until I turned 47!) Remember: Sex is the most natural act in the Universe and living organisms most common activity. We did certainly not invent it, so why should we run from it, fight it or chase it? Sex is part of life, although it is NOT ALL of life.

Just as we do not expect a TV doctor to be the same as a real doctor, what happens in romcoms on TV and on the big screen, in porn and/or in our fantasy worlds, does NOT in reality. We need to cum out of our heads and live in a life of Real Sex.

So many people get into trouble, when they start to downgrade or downplay the fact that SEX DOES MATTER! This type of denial, cums with a terrible price tag, because while quantity and quality may vary from person to person, what NEVER varies is the human desire to seek 'n find! We each need to take the responsibility of meeting our individual need for our own sexual expression in a responsible way. We need to be aware and so does our partner that SEX DOES MATTER! Just as there are varieties in our food and cooking styles (different menus appeal to different appetites) the same goes for SEX. We need to be considerate!

But, of all these, the greatest hindrance to sexual happiness is the fear of intimacy - the enemy of any sustainable relationship. Like the princess and the pea, fear of intimacy causes restlessness and discomfort in the bedroom and it is often buried under hundreds of other reasons; boredom, loss of desire, conflict, drama and confusion. As this fear is normally due to fear of the unknown, we need to be more willing to embrace the qualities of courage and curiosity, which will help us to explore beyond our current sexual limits.

There you have it!

This is by NO means comprehensive, because as humans, our sexual potential is far bigger than what I can possibly describe and the variety of sexual expressions is infinitely more than even I can imagine. That is why SEX IS SO FASCINATING!

While we all start with the basic elements, when we combine them with our respective individual tastes and preferences, collectively we create billions of moments of sublime pleasure. And, is that not what Sex is all about? Enjoyment!

The Gift of Sex has been given to us humans - the unlimited capacity and infinite variety to nurture the deepest intimacy. The greatest wonder of the Universe is SEXUAL HAPPINESS!