Firstly, BDSM means "bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sado-masochism". Nowhere in that meaning does it state 'abusive' behaviour is allowed, nor is it tolerated. All activities which fall under the title of bdsm play, and there are numerous activities, are fully negotiated between all parties involved. BDSM plays are not necessarily foreplay, and they do not always end with sex play.

There seems to be a misconception that BDSM equates to, and only encompasses, sado/masochism. No, it does not. There are assumptions that anyone 'in' the BDSM lifestyle is a doormat, and therefore, may be treated as such. No, it does not. There are also huge assumptions that anyone resonating with the BDSM lifestyle is into rough sex. No, it does not. A lady/man who identifies as a submissive negotiates with a Top/Domme/Dom, and will submit only to Her/Him, and she/he is not everyone's submissive, therefore, she/he will NOT submit to you.

BDSM is very involved. Any interactions need to be negotiated, from start to finish. Before play commences, any medical issues need to be known, as well as any possible reactions to the play. What do the involved parties hope to attain. How will 'aftercare' be administered. Will there be an aftershock, [known as 'sub drop' for the bottom in the play, and known as 'Top drop' for the Top in the play] possibly days later, how will that delayed 'drop' be addressed.

For example, if both parties are interested in wax play, there will be firm boundaries set as to exactly what will happen [ie. past experiences and their outcomes, environment/atmosphere of the play, duration of the play, materials to be used, aftercare required/desired], are only some possible sharing of knowledge required before any play begins.

BDSM plays require completely open and honest communication, and, very importantly, trust and respect between all the involved players. It is an open-minded, safe approach to very sensual activities in which you will discover yourself and your partner's desires. Then, hopefully, the outcome will be a mutual bonding, plus a mind-blowing growth experience [physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual] .

When all parties involved agree to an s/m play, all aspects of that particular play will be thoroughly negotiated. This is not abuse; this is the S/M aspect of bdsm play. This aspect of bdsm play only occurs between trusted, and responsible people. To be clear, not everyone in the bdsm lifestyle is into sado-masochism.

When anyone identifies as a bdsm lifestyler, this does NOT mean abuse is expected and, it certainly does NOT mean rough sex will be a given. Find out what is exciting to you both, then negotiate the activity, and the outcome.

Please, educate yourselves. There are so many wonderful sites with free access, and which can be very helpful in your growth. There is an incredible and highly sensual side to bdsm which is overlooked too often because of the dramatic, oversimplified s/m side of bdsm. There are numerous, wonderful people willing to share their experiences, and knowledge for the growth of a safe and wonderous bdsm lifestyle.

Above all, find what is thrilling to you and your partner/s, and then, enjoy safely.