For the first time in my life, I have experienced the death of a loved one – my Dad (aged 80) – and there is absolutely nothing “sexy” about that. Yet, despite grief being a reality of life, the suddenness of his passing, albeit a blessing for him, because his suffering was increasing exponentially each day - I was not yet ready to let him go. This is so selfish of me, I know, and to make it even worse - at one of my worst moments in my life, as I mourn this monumental loss, I am craving Sex. WTF is wrong with me? I am horny (not amorous, like I normally would describe it) and this emotion I am feeling is almost uncomfortable. It makes me feel guilty, because the solace I seek, is to be fucked in bed. And, it has nothing to do with sexual bereavement, like when one loses somebody who provided intimacy (i.e. a significant other – boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse.) Instead, it is rather the need for reassurance and a means of sorting out my sad confusion. I want to be told, through Great Sex (TLC) that everything is eventually going to be OK. My grief trajectory is not merely about the loss of my parent's love, but of the security too, as that is what Daddy provided for me. Now, without him in my life, I wonder Who will be there, unconditionally for me, if I were ever to need help in the future. Of course, I do have the love and support of family and friends around me, during this incredibly difficult time. Funeral and estate administration are filling the void left by Daddy and the time that I used to spend with him or doing things for him. But, it just all feels so surreal – one minute I am fine, wondering if I should not be crying, because I seem to be functioning as “normal,” and the next thing, it feels as if I am having a heart attack – my chest tightens and I cannot breath (NO, I do not have Covid!) However, the moment I stop doing something, be it schoolwork, chores at home, shopping, or stuff for Daddy, ALL I can think about is Sex. Does this make sense? I want Sex to forget the pain and despair of this sad moment; to assure me that everything will be fine; and, that I am still alive. Mostly though, I want Sex to seek that intense physical connection with another person - in the flesh. To be held, hugged, kissed, and made love to - slowly, gently - and yet, with an unbridled passion, to allow me to burn with emotion and simultaneously, be distracted from the overwhelming numbness that I am experiencing. I want the dopamine of an orgasm (preferably, more than one LOL) to revitalize my feelings of optimism about life and love, to recharge my energy, sharpen my focus (I feel "dof" most of the time) and rekindle my motivation and enthusiasm that are all usually intrinsically generated within me, but which seem to have dissipated with my unbearable loss. I need the flood of feel-good chemicals to recreate a sense of well-being and “happiness” amid my loneliness, despite not being alone. I know too, that Great Sex will also calm me down, as it feels like I am about to implode. However, more than the biological thrill of the dopamine hit that comes from good – as I want to call it – Condolence Sex, being made love to will give me back my sense of being in control, whilst feeling totally out of control and hopelessly forlorn right now. Much like the therapy that writing offers me (at least I hope this will) although, unlike writing this now, gives me a reprieve from grieving over Daddy, having Sex will make me feel empowered, desirable and more in tune with my body again; providing me the agency, when my life feels completely ……… Fucked! Of course, I get that some in “polite society” are going to poo-poo me wanting to have Sex in the aftermath of my major traumatic event. But surely, barring legitimately destructive or dangerous behaviour, it sort of seems like the loss of my Dad and going through this grievous hell, especially, without a Significant Other in my life, should I not be able to do whatever the fuck it takes, to feel better, alive and inside my own body again? As the saying goes: Everyone grieves differently, and if mine is wanting to have Condolence Sex, then in the grand scheme of things, is that not permissible? GRIEF IS THE PRICE WE PAY FOR LOVE. SEX IS HOW I NEED AND WANT TO BE COMFORTED, SO AS TO BE MADE TO FEEL ALIVE AND PART OF LIFE AGAIN.