Written by Pragmatic Hedonist

18 Apr 2016

Thank you all for the comments, ratings and views on my last post. I never thought sharing my stories with the community would attract this much attention. And I do appreciate the fact that no one has judged me harshly for the reaction to the situation. Like-minded people indeed!

So I thought it would be good to do a follow up based on any developments, and who knows, I may make this a bit of a blog/series to keep the community appraised on my situation/story.

I’ve reached a point in my life where constant partying and being around the “it crowd” holds virtually no allure. I’m definitely more the “good food, good wine and good company” type these days. Now given that Jen keenly follows my every evolution, she is very aware that I’m no party animal. It came as a bit of a surprise then while we were all gathered for the Stormers vs Lions game on Saturday when Jen suggested we all head out for a bit of a party after. My gf, not being one for late nights out immediately recoiled at the suggestion. Jen knows this, so my machiavellian mind immediately assumes that she's trying to engineer another night like Thursday. No one else jumped at the opportunity though, so that put paid to what I thought was a "plan" being hatched by Jen.

Maybe at this point I should underline the fact Jen has a bit of an impulsive streak. This leads her to making decisions without thinking of the consequences and it is this impulsive streak that subconsciously made me err on the side of caution on Thursday evening. If she were to change her mind half way through the act, I’d be vilified in an attempt to pacify her conscience (not an impossible eventuality).

As we do when we watch rugby and especially after a braai, the vino and whiskey flowed liberally. I however did not partake which made me the designated driver cum “Mr. Delivery”. When the cigarettes ran out, I was nominated to do the convenience store run during half time. Jen decided she would hop in and keep me company on the drive. Now before you get excited, this story is not going to end up with the car parked on the side of the road in a quiet suburb with steamy windows. I won’t deny though that this prospect both excited and scared me when she suggested she’d come along.

So here we are driving along and she starts off by asking me if things have been weird since Thursday, to which I replied that I was fine and everything was normal. She was clearly very curious and my answer must have disappointed her a little because she reached for her phone and pretended to be very busy replying to whatsapps. I felt obligated to return the enquiry to which she responded by putting her phone on her lap, leaning back in the seat with the kind of “ummmmmmmmmmm” that usually denotes something interesting is on its way. “I’m not ok, no!” she proclaims. She went further explaining that she knows it’s wrong and the last thing she wants to do is hurt her sister but that she felt my passive behaviour implied that I entertained the possibility. She said she was very aroused sitting in the back of that Uber but that she was being cautious not to do something she would regret. She however tempered this conservative approach with the assertion that after the moment has passed, she regretted not doing anything. I remembered that I also felt that way after reading her message that night. I thought it appropriate in that moment to share that fact with her. She groaned and punched me on the arm, “why didn’t you say something, you don’t have to do the right thing all the time, I needed you to push me!”. In some twisted way, Jen and I got a lot closer in that moment. For all her crazy moments and irrational behaviour this was different. This was measured and thought through. She followed up her frustration with a very a very serious “next time, please park you rational brain so we can both stop obsessing about it”. I remember thinking "Jen is obsessing about sleeping with me... I wonder when she started". I smiled but didn't say a word. She seemed ok with my response because she looked a lot more relaxed.

We continued on to the store, got the necessaries and returned home making idle chit chat about work on the drive back. As we walked into the house she asked me to put my game face on and playfully slapped me on the ass. The slap on the ass was just what I needed to jolt me out of the twilight zone moment that was the last 15 minutes of my life.

After the rugby, I headed home, hoping that my phone would beep with a message like it did the other night. But no message was forthcoming. And my gf didn’t spend the night with me on Saturday so I had very little distraction for my thoughts. Lying in bed, playing out each potential scenario in my head, I am faced with the very scary thought that if this happens, can I say with certainty that the itch would be scratched….and even more disturbing….what if it is…

For some people (I hope), as is the case with me, I find the best of moments are those when a door closes behind two strangers, when the heart races and the skin tingles at the prospect of what could happen….the lingering moment before lips meet and you taste the breath of your lover, saturated with desire. This “dance” with Jen is one of those “moments”. How will I feel after the “kiss”?