12 Jun 2018

Some women could relate to the saying that chasing an orgasm is like trying to catch a goldfish barehanded and they would also agree that orgasms are hard to find. Those of us lucky enough to whom they are accessible, like myself, still have to reeeeeeach to get there.........

Many of us and our partners often treat female orgasms like work: we are on the hunt for them, chasing them down with ferocity and we put in the measured steps to ensure we get the required satisfying outcum. We effort ourselves to get there; we tense up, contracting to find release; and, sometimes we also feel guilty if the orgasms take too long to find. This, either causes us get more inside our heads, making it that much harder to find the elusive orgasm, or we simply shallow-out the orgasmic experience.


Treating our orgasm like work, hunting for them, and shrinking to amplify the sensation actually minimizes the pleasure. Not only is the pleasure superficial, but there are also so many different types of experiences we can have IF we let the orgasm find us. Yes, we have to let the Big O find us!!!

I had my first ‘aha’ moment with this, a couple of years ago. I realized that I often decided WHEN it was time to orgasm and I would go about making that happen. And, it did. It was nice – fuck, tea is nice! It did the job alright thought. So, I thought (I think a LOT! LOL) what if I let go? What if I stopped so hard, trying to control my orgasm? What if I stopped telling it when and where and how? What if I merely surrendered to the pleasure?

I tried it and Holy Freaking Shit………It was fucking amazing!!!

It was all feeling pretty awesome – like most orgasms feel - and then, all of a sudden, I could feel this wave building inside me; long waves of intense pleasure happened upon me, “bubbling up” and radiating through my whole body…………again. And again. And again. For ages and without me controlling anything.

Surprise! The orgasm found me and it was unlike anything I had ever felt. It brought me to tears (which scared the crap out of Him!) The pleasure was a new, cell-shaking variety I had never experience before. It was super delicious, techni-coloured, life-shifting and I connected with myself, my partner, and the Universe. Orgasmic Bliss. It felt like I was taking drugs! Rather than feeling depleted and worn out afterwards, albeit happy, I felt alive, radiant, calm, and tearful.

And then, I laughed, because WTF was that! (He was more confused than ever, the poor man and I have since learnt to warn a man I might cry, but I don't initially say why, just in case he worries if there are no tears.)

I did not know orgasms could or should feel like that! And, that is just the thing. By NOT controlling the orgasm, the possibility of different flavours, tempo’s, depths is opened and with only a few simple things I did, I had set myself for a sublime experience. I realized that there are NO 'should’s'. I do not have to orgasm like this every time I have sex/make love/fuck. However, this practice of letting go - of loosing control (some would say I am a bit of a control freak) - offers me a chance to expand my orgasm potential and allow myself to really surrender. With trust, I can travel to new blissful territories with my body (and my Lover).

For those of us lucky enough to have pussies, there are things we can do to ensure delightful orgasms…………

Firstly, we are far too culturally obsessed with orgasms. Women’s and men’s magazines are all about ‘How to make her cum in 5 steps’ with huffing and puffing, music, movies and porn. We are infatuated with The Climax. We typically see orgasm as the peak of pleasure, but really, every pleasurable sexual experience is a mini-orgasm. For women who struggle to orgasm, this can be really profound. They are already orgasming - whether it is the pleasure of a delicious cake they are eating, seeing a great painting, or have a sensual massage, or anal stimulation – they are already on the orgasm spectrum. When a woman recognizes pleasure as orgasmic, she experiences her body and her sexuality and her orgasms will transform. She is no longer focused or dependent on a strong peak of orgasm and she will be able to enjoy the subtleties and depths of so much more.

Secondly, there are many different types of orgasms. A variety of them can be experienced from nearly every part of a female’s body (e.g. feet, neck, breasts) as well as our heart, mind, and soulful energy. Orgasmic states can happen in short bursts (often if they are clitoral) or last for minutes, hours or longer. It is all in our minds LOL!!! The potential is huge.

Orgasm is a landscape - there are peaks, bigger hills, and plateaus, where a peak orgasm is like the summit of a mountain and for some, it is easier to reach, while for others, it is difficult or impossible. Hills are a gentle and fairly easy climb to the top and you can stay up there awhile, as they are mild, but not super long orgasmic states. Plateaus take some time to travel to, but once you are there, you are high up and blessed-out in a strong and long orgasmic state.

Most women are practiced at peak orgasms, or experience elements of hill and plateau orgasms, but we discount it as ‘pleasure’ rather than welcoming it as orgasmic. There is nothing wrong with ‘peak’ orgasms, but there are a full range of orgasmic states to experience. Rather than seeing orgasm as a peak, we need to try to see it as a state. When we see it this way, we open the door to many kinds of experiences that can continue for minutes, hours, or even days.

Relaxing is the single most import attitude or so-called ‘technique’ for orgasming. Often, we thing that to hasten an orgasm, we should tense our bodies. Or, we stiffen with the intensity. The trick is to let our body relax into the orgasm and it is about a mental and physical state of ease - not effort. We need to let go of expectations. We need to keep our body soft, rather than tense, as tension is what the body does in defense or stress, and it constricts movement of pleasure and energy.

If you feel yourself (or your partner) starting to tense up or clench at any point, including intense orgasm states, you should use (or encourage her to use) breath, sound and movement to stay loose: Breathe deeply into your belly, let out sounds (as if they are coming from deep in your belly) and keep your hips and joints moving fluidly. Pause to re-set if you need to. Lying on your back and with legs butterflied open (bent knees with feet together) softens your groin and helps you relax your muscles. Do whatever else you need to help yourself chill out (mindfulness practices, music, reminders that you are safe to relax.) Letting go and letting yourself melt into the experience is essential for orgasmic states. Remember: Control constricts orgasms.

What does a woman need to feel totally safe to let go? Some words? Time together? Giving oneself permission to free-wheel? Do that or let her do that with you. Let your/her heart open. Be seen or see her. Do not worry what your face looks like or tell her she looks beautiful. Cry if it feels good - don't shit yourself if she cries. Make sound. Laugh. LET GO……… And, trust your orgasm to take you on an adventure. If partner can get this right with his woman............Boy, you will enjoy the ride!

A woman’s whole body is orgasmic. Neck, breasts, feet, anus, cervix, inner thighs, wrists. Touch, kiss, stroke, stimulate, pull, rub everywhere that feels good; include the heart and mind - engage those, make love to the whole person. All pleasure is orgasmic - there is no rush to get anywhere, so take the time to journey through the orgasmic landscape and discover new topographies. Smells. Sights. Sensations.

Deeper and more expansive orgasms (i.e. plateau orgasms) have a longer build up and if running for the finish line, slow down or pause. Sometimes, going faster can be habitual – it is all we have ever done! Take a breath. Make sound, shimmy and shake…….And, ssslllooowwwlllyyy keep adventuring.

As it did with me, it might take a few goes to really surrender to the pleasure – practice certainly does makes perfect – and, every step counts. Even just knowing I can relax and the orgasms can find me is powerful. It is where it all began for me. After all, this is an experiment. Life, Sex, all of it! Experience pleasure however the hell you like!

I do not choose to orgasm like this ALL the time. But, knowing that I can and letting myself experience the full orgasmic spectrum is truly amazing.