I've read numerous posts about married males (mainly males) maybe some would place the females in the same bracket, playing without their partners consent. lots of opinions and judgement calls where this group of individuals are relegated to the bottom of the swingers world food chain. I'm not refering to the single guys disrespecting and simply looking for a vaginal receptical for his so called 18" dick. I'm specifically refering to a group of men or women who play around and their reasoning
I posted the below response to another thread on this site and thought i would post it here as well to see what other peoples comments would be on the subject.
Its an interesting and conflicting subject with many couples. I don't see any detailed responses from the so called "Single Swingers" or "Married men playing without consent". I am one of these, so allow me to put some perspective on the subject from the opposite side.
I fully agree with the fact that this type of play is cheating or a form of cheating - lets not argue that point. I don't view myself as a swinger per say, in fact i'm not sure what i would call myself, I'll leave that up to the swinger community out there to judge on. Do I consider what I'm doing to be wrong, well yes but only in terms of what is socially acceptable and in the eyes of my partner. In my mind i have certain needs in life that are not being fulfilled by my partner, and I emphasize "Certain" these all fall into the realm of sex. Everything else in my life work / social / sport / kids / family / mental health etc etc, i'm more than content with.
I come from a middle class upbringing in an era where there was no internet, porn was banned, Gay's were still in the closet and we all went along with our lives under the rules of what was socially acceptable. We went to school, got a girlfriend or 2 or 3, got married, built a family, brought our kids up, stayed married no matter what, all because this is what society expects of us. So i'm now 55 been married 29 years and been with the same woman for over 30 years. when we started dating, everything was perfect, we ended up getting married and having kids, and still things were perfect and exactly what society expects from us. So what changed and what happened to this picture perfect marriage that brought me to this place where I have a need to play around. I mean this is cheating, this could cause unimaginable problems for many people in my life. I've really done a lot of soul searching on this because no husband or father wants this to happen unless of course hes a real shit, and there are many out there.
Well i have isolated the reason to only one aspect of my life and its SEX. What is it that i'm not getting ?, because its not that we do not have sex anymore, its more a question of variety and what my wants and needs are as apposed to what my partners wants and needs are at our current time in our relationship. Our world has become such a small place with the advent of freely available information that I realized a number years ago that there were certain things deep in my psyche that i wanted to experience and were no longer part of my relationship, these needs I have always suppressed as maybe a phase which would pass. At the beginning of our relationship I Introduced these needs on a subtle level with the greatest respect to my partner those that didn't interest her I let pass and considered well it would take more time and those that were totally not part of what she wanted were thrown in the dustbin. So we found common ground of what satisfied us and what we were both comfortable with. If things were the same today, I wouldn't be here writing this. As our relationship grew, we had a family, wife stopped being a wife and became a mother, I never let this be a problem as I accepted that this is how life works, but I always lived with the excitement that one day it would return i needed to have patience, well I was wrong, my partner changed the rules without discussing it with me or giving reason. I still today after many discussions with her I have never got a proper explanation or been able to put my finger on it. And just for the record I have never screwed around or played the field up to this point so that could not be the reason. In all my discussions I clearly told her that this was causing problems in our marriage, her attitude was well we'll work through them, which very soon became clear that i was the one who would need to work through them. she clearly does not realize or want to realize the magnitude of the problem. Today its just not up for discussion.
I respect anyone's opinion or reasoning behind their actions or decisions in life. With proper explanation and reasoning on my partners side I would probably have a different outlook on what i'm doing. My partner on the other hand has not reciprocated the same. My partner was making judgmental calls on my thoughts without looking at it from my perspective. I approached these subjects like any educated person would through proper communication, opening my mind and understanding as well as respecting their opinions. I tried on many occasions to subtly re-introduce my needs and kinks into our sex life again after our kids left home and we had more time to ourselves, on the few occasions she played along I realized they were certainly not into it anymore and simply going through the motions and the sooner it was over the better, this is not my idea of a good thing in the bedroom and just leads to silent animosity and a feeling that i'm forcing the issue on her once again. A perfect example (not wanting to air all the laundry here) was anal sex, I wanted to try it which my partner agreed with some reluctance (I think most woman would be reluctant the first time) we tried it and she actually enjoyed it, it became part of our sex life for 3 - 4 years. not all the time, mainly when the mood was right, I always let her set the mood and never became pushy. Then it ended like a light switch with no explanation, I tried to discuss it with her, no reason other than it wasn't on the menu anymore - Exactly the same happened with the few sex toys we played with for years.
So in a nutshell our sex life has gone from very exciting to very vanilla and I mean very very vanilla - the saying "she has the pussy so she makes the rules" is certainly not just a saying, it is actually the rule of law in the bedroom. but where does this leave me and others like me. We don't have a switch that can be simply flipped when the rules change. We will eventually stop suppressing our needs at huge risk and go out and look elsewhere to satisfy them. Women may have the pussy and make the rules, but many don't accept that men are natural born hunters and simply not satisfying their needs will also lead to them wandering off into other hunting grounds where they shouldn't really be. so I suppose this is where i find myself now. On SH looking to chat and meet up with people who share my interests and kinks.
I'm not here to be judged as i don't judge others against what they want or need. So if single women or couples that don't play with people like me, or detest people like me then they should make this very clear in their profile and we won't try contact or friend request you. But please don't judge us as you don't know the circumstances we find ourselves in. I suppose there are many married guys on here that simply want a 1 night NSA fuck, but not all of us are from this group. Many of us are certainly very respectful of our partners and our marriages as well as your lifestyles in fact i think all of you are in a very fortunate relationship to be doing what you do together and you have my utmost respect. I would love this to be my partnership but I know after many years of marriage that this will clearly will never happen unless i divorce and seek out a new partner specifically with these interests, I have never even thought of divorce or ever leaving my wife, as risky as i am being and at the possible expense of being caught and ending up getting divorced, I still have this need to experience things in my life.
I was once asked - If you respect your marriage, your partner and your family so much, how do you justify what you doing with your own conscious - Well in my way of thinking whilst it is termed as cheating and wrong i see it as simply satisfying a deep down need of which I will never be emotionally attached to the person i'm doing it with. If I ever got emotionally attached, that would become an affair. which I've never or will ever have. If that should happen then i'll get divorced in a heartbeat. For me its just sex !
Some on this site say they demand utmost respect and go further in stating "If a married person cannot respect his partner or marriage then how can they respect a swinger couple" - People ! that is such a shallow statement. Surely you can think up of a better reason for not wanting to play with a married person. EG. "You don't want t be part of the potential breakup of a marriage if he or she is caught". Its got nothing to do with not having respect. I have the highest regard and respect for my partner, even though she doesn't respect my wants and needs in the bedroom.
I wrote this not looking for justification or approval its wrong and its cheating this we won't deny, but in many cases, unjustified or not, there are deep underlying reasons behind it. All we ask is not to be judged too quickly, and allowed space that we won't get anywhere else to venture out into your world
