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Oh you gotta love this one guys -
What is the one thing women and men always agree on?
We all LOVE little pink boxes!
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Just in case you thought I meant jokes, funny anecdotes an stories are cool too...
When I was still at varsity I got a call from a friend to cancel dinner plans because (and I had to work hard for this info) she had to got get to the hospital, but was reluctant to share why, after much effort I finally got her to reveal, she had broken her big toe!
I was baffled by all the embarrassment and secrecy, until she told me it happened during a particularly wild sexual encounter with her married neighbour!
Master of Sex
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This is an awkward moment we had of how K_ and my father met…
K_ and I had recently started dating after a while of serious flirting. I was still a teenager, and living at home with the parentals… My parents decided that I shouldn't have a key to my room 'in case I lock myself in there with boys'.
We were in my room, and were having a very heating session of general playing around…
At one point, we were both naked, K_ was sitting on the edge of the bed and I was kneeling on the floor sucking his cock. The layout of the room is important here. As you open the door to the bedroom, there is a desk against the wall to the left, and the foot of the bed to the right….
My dad was not aware that I had company – he thought K's car belonged to my mom's friend…
He opened the door saying he wanted to talk about something… and I couldn't speak as my mouth was full.
Anyway, he quickly said 'oh, you're busy' and closed the door…
After we composed ourselves, K still had to introduce himself to my father… As we walked down the passage, K noticed all the awards on the wall of when my dad used to do Judo (Black belt, 2nd dan).
Strangely enough, my dad didn't kill him…. And now we are married.
Warming the Bed
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hahahah.... awkward and funny indeed!
lol
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Quote by KC_
This is an awkward moment we had of how K_ and my father met…
...Strangely enough, my dad didn't kill him…. And now we are married.
Bluddy friggin funny!
Oh my, what a thought...
With our first meet with a single guy, we had one of those doh! moments;
For ages (probably years now) Matt keeps telling me to get someone over so that when he gets home we're "at it" and he can walk in on the scene. I kept saying "you can't do that, it's not cool" And he has always been confused by my response....
Til I finally invited someone from this site, over for an mfm and he told Matt the story of meeting a woman who assured him that her husband was 'cool' with her playing alone, until the husband rocked up mid thrust and for a bit he thought there would be kak. Needless to say twas cool, but he certainly lost momentum and it ruined the moment.
Suddenly Matt did the doh! face and understood what I had been saying all along
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Just Not Feeling *It*
I went on a play date one Saturday night, MANY, MANY, MANY,moons ago.
We settled in for some serious couch rugby.
I thought this was going to be one of those heavy sessions… until I unzipped his pants to find My Very Worst Date.
My first reaction was…well, I will just seduce him cowgirl style with these *smaller*ermmmm, then proceed to a nice doggy are after all both good at what we do.
He put a condom on and I gave it a , I did.....
I felt nothing.
Tried again.
Still nothing.
I FELT NOTHING!!!!!!
Was it ME? Oh my God, panic set in. I mean, I was certain he was into ME !!!!!!
Knowing something was wrong, I stopped and dismounted as gracefully as an Olympic gymnast, only to find his manhood Limpy. Smooshy. Just flopping in the breeze as if nothing ever happened. I did not feel THAT, happening.!!!!!
I did not just sit there and flop my boobs in his face, seducing him with my lips on his hot little nipples.
Nope, I did slip His *then hard little joystick* deep as he would go.
And something went all wrong.
So, I did what any good *pseudo-girlfriend* would do: I smiled and slipped down to my knees and offered fellatio. Wondering silently why I felt nothing in my *nether regions*
He looked really tense as he politely said, *No thank you, you don not have to do that…Really, it's okay.*
Confident, I ignored his warnings.
Almost a minute later, my lips and tongue and throat and right cheek was totally numb. As numb as the Novocaine from the dentist. Numb like Icy Hot. Dead, droopy like my pussy!!!!!
He had tried to avoid the awkward moment where he neglected to tell me that he was using climax control condoms. WITH a Primary numbing agent: Benzocaine!!!!!
He was scared of premature ejaculation.
Needless to say, we dropped all sexual intend,and I went to hear from him again.
These days I make certain there is NO control condoms in use!!! I even carry my very own just to be sure!!!!!
Sexlightened
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A funny thing happened with me. Well the wife thought it was really funny and laughed at the look on my face. We were having se, and after a lonf foreplay and doggy style, I turned her over and we did missionary. We decided we going to cum shortly, so I started thrusting harder and faster. Then the darn thing started. I got a cramp in my right leg from my buttock to my knee. This caused me to straighten up my leg while I was busy getting the wife and myself to climax. I was going like the energiser bunny. Half in pain and the other half almost ready to cum. The wife started laughing as she saw my face and felt the movement of my body, as if I had been shcoked with some electric current. We did cum and as soon as I could I jumped of the bed to start walking off the cramp.
Warming the Bed
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This happen 15 years ago. I was still at school (grade 12) and staying in the hostel because we were staying to far out of town to travel to school every day. At the time I was going out with a girl (grade 10) who was staying just outside of town. We have been seeing each other for about a month when one weekend her parents invited me over to visit for the weekend. This was my first to meet the parents and i was nervous. Everything went well with the parents.
That evening her parents went to bed early while we were still watching TV. About halve an hour after her parents went to bed B-- surprised me by suddenly pulling my shorts and my underpants down to reveal my hard-on. Earlier that evening she told me that she's not wearing any panties under her dress, thus the reason for my hard-on. So she straddled me and in no time my cock slipped into her wet pussy with her dress covering everything. As she move up and down on my cock for a few minutes, a voice suddenly spoke up next to us.
"I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves" her father said. He woke up to come and fetch a glass of water and walked in on us while we we having sex.
The most embarrassing part is that B-- didn't miss a stride and climaxed there and then with her father close by.
I never visited them again.
Warming the Bed
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Eish!
Orgasminator
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We have an African Grey that follows me around like a dog.
Well a friend came round for a visit and as he was a blood donor and had to sign a form he started using a condom and that took all the fun out of it for me.
He came up with a solution, I was ready with a scissors and at the point of cumming he would pull out and I would then snip the condom and he would thrust in again to squirt
There we were, me ready with the scissors in one hand and my erection in the other, him pumping away and they were getting noisy as they approached thier climaxes when suddenly thier was a loud "Whooee" shout from next to the bed, parrot had followed us into the bedroom
We cracked up, I lost the scissors and my erection and they had to start over
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I was 21 with my first bf, we had went out nite before and went back to sleep at his place(living with his mom n bro).
We woke up early in the morning and started doing the "morning glory thing", assuming the family went to church. It was getting intense and hot, then he moved down and covered himself with the duvet and removed my panties then went down on me. I was moaning and all zoned out enjoying the moment when his mom burst into the room. There i was laying on my back legs spread while her son was undercovers eating me out lol.
I dont think she realised exactly what she walked in on and asked me where *Donavan was lol i was so gobsmacked i just looked at her so she asked me again. So he answered from under blanket "im here ma! Could u give me a minute!!!? Lol she left and looked so shocked and lol strangely proud.
Warming the Bed
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i was so gobsmacked ' I'll bet!
Merry Christmas Kitty. ;)
Warming the Bed
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Somewhere in my exciting teens, I met this sweet young lady and we ended up sneaking into her parents house on a rather late Sunday evening after being assured that her parents were away and that only her deaf old Gran was home but would be fast asleep! We proceeded into her parents room feeling as though we owned the house and with much giggling got down to the nasty, things were getting quite steamy and apparently NOISY when there was a knock at the door. it was her Grandmother inquiring about her wellbeing. She motioned to me to be quiet and with that we heard the gran calling her mom!!! oh lord, clothes were thrown at me amidst frantic gestures which could only have meant 'get the fuck out'. With surprising deftness I managed to get my shirt and jeans on and with jacket in hand and one shoe on the other nowhere in sight made my exit through the bedroom window just as her grandma burst in the bedroom door!
I sprinted down the side of the house toward the front gate.. too late! her mom was standing at the front door, so with superman like abilities I leaped the hedge only to land, with my bare foot in some doggie do do do losing my balance and slid to the curb on my back and up on my feet again running blindly! Once reason started creeping in again and with much puffing and panting, I realized I was stranded in a foreign suburb at some ungodly hour with no hope of catching a bus so ended up hunting a tikkie box (yip, giving my age away here) and phoning my dad.
While waiting for him, I managed to get most of the do do do off my foot in some grass. He picked me up and having been woken up there wasn't much conversation on the way home. He did after a few glances at me wind his window down, then after a few more glances demanded I do the same with my window.
When we finally reached home we discovered the source of the stench was a stripe of doggie do do running down the back of my shirt! Ended up with me having to scrub car seats. He teased me till the day he closed his eyes about how I brought my shit home with me!
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That was friggin marvelous story, what a laugh!
Reminds me of some teenage antics of mine...
Keep 'em coming!
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Living in a Duplex, our bedroom opens up onto a balcony where we usually hang our wet towels and costumes. After a particularly fun filled session, hubby who was till naked ,asked me to get his costume off the chair. The wind had blown it onto the floor, so with one hand on the railing I bent down to retrieve it. I had the feeling someone was watching me and rose to find the gentleman on the balcony across from us, staring. His eyes where like saucers and his mouth slightly agape.
It dawned on me that in my hand my vibrator and rather large dildo stood proudly for all to see. I looked him straight in the eye, gave him a huge grin and walked back inside.
I hope I did not destroy the poor buggers holiday!
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Chances are you MADE his day... probably his holiday too!
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Enjoying the encounter so far Liked Terry`s boo boo with the poo poo ;-) had me laughing out loud...
Yeah aftershock....YOU most certainly have made that guys day ,if not his next fantasy in his head while shagging his wife.
Keep the funny interludes coming guys ;-)
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Quite a few years ago when my first girlfriend and I started seeing one another, she called me and had an interesting chat. It all boiled down to her telling me its been long enough, and today is my lucky day. I jumpped in my car and drove to her place like Iwas a F1 driver.
I made sure to park my car across the street, a few houses away, as her parents were not fond of me at all. She came from a very old school Portuguese family. And with me not being white, well that wouldnt go down very well.
I walked tothe front door, with her standing there, waiting very impatiently. We walked inside, and as she closed the door, the fun started. I picked her up and we very distructivly made it to her bedroom. She pushed me on the bed, and started to do anamzing strip tease for me, all while slowly undressing me. As she got on the bed, and positioned herself ontop of me, we heard from her bedroom window, "ALICIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!" Luckily the blinds were down, in one fluent movement, she jumpped off me, i
Picking up my clothes and shoes, and getting dressed as fast as possible. Her old school dad was now storming his way to the front door to find out why his daughter was moaning in her room. She pushed me out the back door, trying to run around the front to make a get away,, two pitbulls she failed to tell me about made a b line for me.
There was no way I was going to try my luck against out running those dogs. I sprinted back in the house, with her dad banging on the door. The next thing i knew, she shoved me in her closet, locked the door, then decided to let her dad in the house.
I could hear her telling her old man that she was changing and he scared her, and now shes going next door to the neighbour.
I landed up sitting in that closet for two hours crapping my self.
Her dad didnt believe her, he sat down the street watching the house and my car.
Eventually she came back, unlocked the closet and i was out of thereas fast as I drove there.
Now that was an experiencei never want to repeat.
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When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome
When 2 people have sex, that's a twosome...
Now we know why they call you handsome :twisted:
Warming the Bed
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During my band playing days, we played in Stellenbosch quite often and rather than traveling back to Cape Town after the Friday gig, we'd sleep over so that we were there for Saturday night, thus saving on the petrol ( us musos were always broke, hehe). We'd befriended some guys that lived on a small holding and usually we'd head there after the gig. A bonfire would be lit and either the guitars would come out again or the stereo would blast but the party and drinking would continue till sunrise or one passed out.
On this particular Friday evening, every time I finished my beer, another would be deposited on my amp. So after the set finished, I asked the waiter who'd been supplying them and he pointed out this spunky young lady. I went over to thank her and we chatted till the next set and she'd be waiting after each set till we'd finished. Naturally I invited her back to the party, needless to say we were both.. well quite merry by this stage and somewhere along the way we headed off to her place. We cracked another bottle of Stellies best plonk and continued the party in her bed and after a rather vigorous session, fell asleep.
I don't know if you've ever dreamed that you get up and go to the loo, only to be rudely awakened by the fact that you haven't and are in fact peeing in your bed! Well this was exactly what was happening to me!! As we'd spooning I had wet her too and with that she too awoke and jumped out the bed apologizing and ran to the bathroom, leaving me sitting with a stupid grin on my face. I heard the tap running and after a while she came back and amidst more apologizing told me she'd run a bath and that I should get in so long.
After a while she joined me in the bath and we proceeded to carry on from where we'd left off before we'd passed out but at a more leisurely pace. She'd changed the sheets and turned the mattress, no sign was left of my oops which she thought was hers and I didn't correct her, well not then anyway. We became very good friends and it did cost me a dinner and some flowers a few years later when I finally told her the truth. :twisted:
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I have to admit this forum I love reading every time there is something new posted on it...
I do love to read all the *funnies* as I do have to laugh out loud sometimes.
Thanks for the laughs guys....keep on posting here!!!!:thumbup:
Master of Sex
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Good sex is like a game of bridge.
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand
;)
C
Warming the Bed
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Do an image search on google using the code word coughing and see how much photografic proof there is of people giving head to ghosts and so many still question their exsistance :-)
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Quote by Orrin
Do an image search on google using the code word coughing and see how much photografic proof there is of people giving head to ghosts and so many still question their exsistance :-)
Man I needed a chuckle!
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The lady was ready and hot and on all fours waiting for me to do my show horse move - I stood back (not to lose my rhythm) I quickly busied myself with my protection. As I started with the unrolling motion I shifted my grip and the condom shot off into oblivion - in a darkened room! I dove down (still trying to keep up with my rhythm, which I really worked 'hard on' to get flowing!!) and started searching for the condom with circling hand movements in the area where I thought the condom dropped. The carpeted floor didn't make it easier because there was no sound to indicate where the condom fell (or disappeared for that matter)!
The lady looked over her shoulder totally unaware of what happened and asked me what am I doing on the floor - still frantically searching for the condom! I stood up and explained my predicament! Guess what she told me!
Please you have to do it now! 
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So I really only started being this version of me since I met my husband... you know the naughty version...
But the hubby and I come from very different places, culturally, spirituality, psychologically and of course geographically. He is an EC farm boy.
Many of the local nuances are lost on me and my accent sounds terribly British to a lot of born and bred eastern capers (thanks to the enormous volume of childhood time spent in the company of my delightfully British granny, hot potatos and all!).
Needless to say, Matt loves to tease me, as is his local cultural practice (it appears to be standard practice here, but it just seems odd to me), for being "posh" or "a snob" because of the way I speak.
But the problem is he is equally delighted to harp on about two other details of my lineage; the fact that I was born in Boksburg and that I am half "dutchman", my mother having had an Afrikaans father.
The truth is I am a bit of an odd duck next to all these sun-weathered Eastern Cape farmers and I do sound strange and maybe you could call it 'posh'..
but I am also the one online here doing all the naughty stuff... buying leather knee high lace up boots and corsets...
And so we finally came to the conclusion:
My top half is British and my bottom half is definitely Afrikaner!
But the hubby and I come from very different places, culturally, spirituality, psychologically and of course geographically. He is an EC farm boy.
Many of the local nuances are lost on me and my accent sounds terribly British to a lot of born and bred eastern capers (thanks to the enormous volume of childhood time spent in the company of my delightfully British granny, hot potatos and all!).
Needless to say, Matt loves to tease me, as is his local cultural practice (it appears to be standard practice here, but it just seems odd to me), for being "posh" or "a snob" because of the way I speak.
But the problem is he is equally delighted to harp on about two other details of my lineage; the fact that I was born in Boksburg and that I am half "dutchman", my mother having had an Afrikaans father.
The truth is I am a bit of an odd duck next to all these sun-weathered Eastern Cape farmers and I do sound strange and maybe you could call it 'posh'..
but I am also the one online here doing all the naughty stuff... buying leather knee high lace up boots and corsets...
And so we finally came to the conclusion:
My top half is British and my bottom half is definitely Afrikaner!
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Quote by LeeEC
So I really only started being this version of me since I met my husband... you know the naughty version...
But the hubby and I come from very different places, culturally, spirituality, psychologically and of course geographically. He is an EC farm boy.
Many of the local nuances are lost on me and my accent sounds terribly British to a lot of born and bred eastern capers (thanks to the enormous volume of childhood time spent in the company of my delightfully British granny, hot potatos and all!).
Needless to say, Matt loves to tease me, as is his local cultural practice (it appears to be standard practice here, but it just seems odd to me), for being "posh" or "a snob" because of the way I speak.
But the problem is he is equally delighted to harp on about two other details of my lineage; the fact that I was born in Boksburg and that I am half "dutchman", my mother having had an Afrikaans father.
The truth is I am a bit of an odd duck next to all these sun-weathered Eastern Cape farmers and I do sound strange and maybe you could call it 'posh'..
but I am also the one online here doing all the naughty stuff... buying leather knee high lace up boots and corsets...
And so we finally came to the conclusion:
My top half is British and my bottom half is definitely Afrikaner!
Thx for being you!
Sexlightened
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Years ago I lived in a certain area. The houses were big, but close to each other. So sound was a bit of an issue.
I remember I had this neighbour. It was a couple in their thirties and the mans father.
So anyway we became good friends. The couple used to go out quite often, leaving the old man alone at home almost every night.
In that area at that time, crime was quite bad and every neighbour used to to be on the lookout.
The old man next door used to be very scared and always panicking at any sound he heard. So he used to shout for me at night when I am sleeping. I sometimes never used to hear him whilst I was fast alseep.
The old man decided to get a whistle, so that he can use in case of emergency and to call me if there was any problem.
Now the wife and I always have sex almost everyday. And my wife used to scream a lot and sometimes when we were doing it, the bed used to move, etc.
The very first night, we were having sex and while we were busy, I hear the whistle. I first ignore it. Then I hear the whistle again and this time quite regularly and I had to stop what I was doing and go out and see what the old man wanted.
When I went out, the old man told me he hear a lot of banging sound and a woman scream. He asked me to check around his house if there was anything.
I just smiled and told the old man I will see.
Ever since then and after the old man getting that bloody whistle, I used to have a problem when having sex. It became so annoying, but I did not go and tell the old man to stop. It was his way of being safe.
We had to make alternate means of having sex without the old man hearing us.
I always sit back and I laugh about this.
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Like this topick
Sexlightened
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Quote by springscoupleglad you like it. If you have something to share, it will be nice.
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