Recently read an article on the difference between a hotwife couple and a cuckolding couple. And was struck by the author claiming that both of these lifestyle choices were built on open communication, love and mutual respect.
And that struck me as odd that they would say that of cuckolding - since its built on the male (husband) being humiliated, caged, and withheld from enjoying his wife.
How exactly is that based on mutual respect and love exactly? Curious to know what others think of it...
Interesting topic. I have more experience with the Stag&Vixen kink, which actually evolved from cuckolding, but without the humiliation and exclusion, and a few other differences.
So, what I have gathered from my research over the years, is that cuckolding is also a kink, where there is a level of pleasure derived from the humiliation and exclusion they experience. This is where cuckolding and Stag&Vixen and Hotwifing are the same; the focus is completely on the pleasure the wife/girlfriend is receiving. It is the complete and utter devotion and love that bring these kinks to life.
I know there are instances where women cuck their husbands without their knowledge or consent, but that leans more towards the definition of cheating.
Very interesting and potentially controversial view - but I understand and to large extent agree with your view.
I'd like to give my 2c from a male perspective.
As a male, when you break everything down toour core level , a MAN's absolute main objective ultimately boils down to a few principles.
1. Respect & - a masculine man does what he does every day to earn respect, and status - generally speaking a man does not need to be loved, it's not a motivating factor to keep "manning", but respect is our currency & sense of worth.
2. Status - to have a degree of influence in society a man needs status.
Example : we can be perfectly content staying in an room, sleep on mattress and have a gaming console or big ass TV - but to be reveaured and to extent respected by society, we have to demonstrate that we are capable - either capable of extreme violence , or absorbing pressure and outperforming the next average guy next door - because we ultimately gather extensive resources by "fear" (people dont want to confrontation so they submit to a "stronger" male, or relentless pursuit That's why people with a lot, pursue and achievement even more, to show that they CAN do it - the sandton estate, sports/super car, clothing etc etc.
I personally dont understand the psychology of cuckolding - because like you said you are sacrificing the respect you have as a man, in exchange for a woman's pleasure?
I'm not sure how to live out that fantasy, then hopping in car and drive home back to your regular life as a couple with that core respect still in tact.
However, a surprising amount of men want their partner to get nailed by another man with a 10 inch limb, or a gangbang situation where she's absolutely ravished beyond comprehension... I fall into that category 😊.
My question : We communicate our desires and fantasies, love & respect is on abundance but the fantasy of her getting "fcucked braindead" (sorry for the crude choice in words) is hugely appealing to us both....we have a saying, "we choose our sins very carefully" , because it's a part of us, it does not define either of us.
Couples can be 95% perfectly normal, but that other 5% stille needs be lived out and phew that 5% can be an absolute freak! 😆😅😂
So my thoughts are this, cuckolding is not for me - the Andrew Tate inside me won't allow it 🤣🤣🤣
If people practice or live out a fantasy and it's not "harming" anybody, then I don't judge or actually even care about it - is might not understand or agree with it - you do you & I'll do me.
Thanks for this post, I enjoyed the thought provoking concept
Marcel
Hi, Mrs Hotrhythm here... So I'd like to chime in and share my perspective quick… Bear with me, K?
In the BDSM lifestyle, a lot of kinks are based around dominance, submission, degradation, humiliation, and objectification. In my opinion, having done numerous episodes on the topic and other topics in relation - Cuckolding shouldn't be classified under ENM in the first place, as it has most (if not all) of the characteristics found in a general, run-of-the-mill BDSM dynamic/relationship.
Research has shown that a number of fantasies/fetishes/kinks related to common practices within the BDSM lifestyle could be traced back to trauma and/or having had any significant, life-altering experiences. People use BDSM to escape, to try and heal, to relive, to rewrite — the list goes on.
Coming back to cuckolding as a whole: in my opinion, the easiest way people can understand the concept of “The Kink That Is Cuckolding” is by simply hearing a few questions: Why do we like what we like? Why do we want what we want, or sometimes even need what we need? What, at base level, drives our urges?
Generally, going back to find the route or what the driving force behind an impulse is, makes the concept of the impulse somewhat fathomable to people on the outside.
Take this as an example: a dominatrix (or more commonly referred to in the BDSM community as a Domme) is a female who takes on a dominating/domineering role, either sexual or in everyday life. There are women (even here in SA) who offer the “experience” of being dominated, punished, scolded, degraded, etc., by a female as a paid service and it's actually a pretty lucrative industry.
Now herein lies the kicker — a study done in SA on 11 Professional Domme showed that somewhere over 50 percent (I can't recall the exact percentage and I don't want to give misleading info as fact here) of these women’s clientele were middle-aged men, in decision-making positions, who work in high-stress environments, are expected to always be seen as being in control with absolute confidence (i.e., Senior Executive/CEO/Director/Managerial positions).
If we look at this logicall; it's pretty safe to assume that the prospect of giving up control during a session with a Domme, possibly gives them a sense of release/relief from their daily responsibilities of being in control, making hard decisions, taking difficult risks etc and allows them a moment of peace...?
The same concept could be applied to understanding the cuckolding kink.
Let’s look at cuckolding as a whole — Cuckolding could be loosely described as a Consensual "cheating" kink, in a role-play scenario where the spouse (or husband in this case) is (again — Consensually) “forced” to watch his partner engage sexually with an outside party.
The sexual act itself is often purposely portrayed as infidelity/unfaithfulness/cheating, and in some cases combined with degradation during the sexual activities by means of insults, gaslighting, name-calling, belittling etc. In some instances, hard-core players would include an element of physical degradation too like being tied up, dressed up, etc..
Now I know what people generally think by this stage of the explanation — How can any man find that enticing, let alone arousing?!
For anyone who has experienced the trauma of infidelity, this part will possibly make a bit of sense — Many people find that reliving a trauma, makes moving on from the trauma easier... (Think "exposure therapy" but less therapeutic and completely unguided)
If we assume someone with a Cuckolding kink, is possibly applying exposure logic to aid his trauma, the situation could look like: A remorseful ex-cheating wife who left him with trauma. By consciously deciding to relive it consensually, he takes back some of the power the trauma originally inflicted.
Another scenario to consider is possibly having a cuckolding experience as a combative method, i.e., He loves his wife but has untreated impulse control issues, which has manifested in an uncontrollable urge to have sex with strangers (*Not necessarily an urge to cheat per se), which inadvertently would eventually lead to him being unfaithful to his partner.
His call to action in avoiding this? Instead of giving in to the urges, he resorts to a form of “self-punishment” by developing said cuckolding kink — He decides to watch his wife being unfaithfu. This has a psychological impact which aids in lessening the likelihood of him put his partner through what he just endured. This also has a “spoon of sugar after medicine” factor because he gets to reclaim and reconnect with his wife afterwards.
These are only two possible theories off the top of my head.
My point is this: there could be a number of psychological driving factors behind anyone developing or having any assortment of kinks/fantasies/fetishes.
We won’t always understand it because we haven’t lived it. I still don’t understand the kink of being Shoved & locked up in a cage, dressed like a puppy, leashed, collared, and expected to act like an animal 24/7… but if we knew the driving factor, we could possibly have some understanding as to why people like what they like, want what they want, or need what they need....
That’s my very long 5c on the topic.
I hope parts of my perspective could shed some light on the subject. Take what resonates with you; discard what doesn’t. We’re all allowed to have differences of opinion and perspective.
💋
Mrs Hotrhythm
aka
Lola
Yeah, I kinda get it that it is all about the lady being the focus for pleasure. And agree to each their own. Not here to judge anyones choices.
But I think the part I am having a hard time understanding is where there is mutual respect within cuckolding. When the wife takes a lover, cages her husband and then demean him - which is what typically makes it into porn or erotic stories - then it doesnt feel very respectful or loving. Quite the opposite....
As a side note:
I'd like to clarify that I'm not in any way advocating for the cuckolding kink nor attempting to normalize the practice of cuckolding as a kink.
Disclaimer:
The above quoted post was purely conversational and not meant as medical advice or to replace medical treatments.
The post is based on my personal perspective. I am in no way condoning, suggesting, encouraging or advising that any of the above mentioned should be attempted in ANY way (not as a self healing therapy, alternative therapy, or to replace therapy)
Any form of emotionally debilitating/altering trauma needs to be addressed in active therapy with the help, guidance and under supervision of a trained AND qualified counsellor, coach, practitioner or psychologist.
This was not posted in disagreement or in contradiction to any of the previous comments, but rather to add perspective into the kink itself.
Quote by HotrhythmZA
Hi, Mrs Hotrhythm here... So I'd like to chime in and share my perspective quick… Bear with me, K?
In the BDSM lifestyle, a lot of kinks are based around dominance, submission, degradation, humiliation, and objectification. In my opinion, having done numerous episodes on the topic and other topics in relation - Cuckolding shouldn't be classified under ENM in the first place, as it has most (if not all) of the characteristics found in a general, run-of-the-mill BDSM dynamic/relationship.
Research has shown that a number of fantasies/fetishes/kinks related to common practices within the BDSM lifestyle could be traced back to trauma and/or having had any significant, life-altering experiences. People use BDSM to escape, to try and heal, to relive, to rewrite — the list goes on.
Coming back to cuckolding as a whole: in my opinion, the easiest way people can understand the concept of “The Kink That Is Cuckolding” is by simply hearing a few questions: Why do we like what we like? Why do we want what we want, or sometimes even need what we need? What, at base level, drives our urges?
Generally, going back to find the route or what the driving force behind an impulse is, makes the concept of the impulse somewhat fathomable to people on the outside.
Take this as an example: a dominatrix (or more commonly referred to in the BDSM community as a Domme) is a female who takes on a dominating/domineering role, either sexual or in everyday life. There are women (even here in SA) who offer the “experience” of being dominated, punished, scolded, degraded, etc., by a female as a paid service and it's actually a pretty lucrative industry.
Now herein lies the kicker — a study done in SA on 11 Professional Domme showed that somewhere over 50 percent (I can't recall the exact percentage and I don't want to give misleading info as fact here) of these women’s clientele were middle-aged men, in decision-making positions, who work in high-stress environments, are expected to always be seen as being in control with absolute confidence (i.e., Senior Executive/CEO/Director/Managerial positions).
If we look at this logicall; it's pretty safe to assume that the prospect of giving up control during a session with a Domme, possibly gives them a sense of release/relief from their daily responsibilities of being in control, making hard decisions, taking difficult risks etc and allows them a moment of peace...?
The same concept could be applied to understanding the cuckolding kink.
Let’s look at cuckolding as a whole — Cuckolding could be loosely described as a Consensual "cheating" kink, in a role-play scenario where the spouse (or husband in this case) is (again — Consensually) “forced” to watch his partner engage sexually with an outside party.
The sexual act itself is often purposely portrayed as infidelity/unfaithfulness/cheating, and in some cases combined with degradation during the sexual activities by means of insults, gaslighting, name-calling, belittling etc. In some instances, hard-core players would include an element of physical degradation too like being tied up, dressed up, etc..
Now I know what people generally think by this stage of the explanation — How can any man find that enticing, let alone arousing?!
For anyone who has experienced the trauma of infidelity, this part will possibly make a bit of sense — Many people find that reliving a trauma, makes moving on from the trauma easier... (Think "exposure therapy" but less therapeutic and completely unguided)
If we assume someone with a Cuckolding kink, is possibly applying exposure logic to aid his trauma, the situation could look like: A remorseful ex-cheating wife who left him with trauma. By consciously deciding to relive it consensually, he takes back some of the power the trauma originally inflicted.
Another scenario to consider is possibly having a cuckolding experience as a combative method, i.e., He loves his wife but has untreated impulse control issues, which has manifested in an uncontrollable urge to have sex with strangers (*Not necessarily an urge to cheat per se), which inadvertently would eventually lead to him being unfaithful to his partner.
His call to action in avoiding this? Instead of giving in to the urges, he resorts to a form of “self-punishment” by developing said cuckolding kink — He decides to watch his wife being unfaithfu. This has a psychological impact which aids in lessening the likelihood of him put his partner through what he just endured. This also has a “spoon of sugar after medicine” factor because he gets to reclaim and reconnect with his wife afterwards.
These are only two possible theories off the top of my head.
My point is this: there could be a number of psychological driving factors behind anyone developing or having any assortment of kinks/fantasies/fetishes.
We won’t always understand it because we haven’t lived it. I still don’t understand the kink of being Shoved & locked up in a cage, dressed like a puppy, leashed, collared, and expected to act like an animal 24/7… but if we knew the driving factor, we could possibly have some understanding as to why people like what they like, want what they want, or need what they need....
That’s my very long 5c on the topic.
I hope parts of my perspective could shed some light on the subject. Take what resonates with you; discard what doesn’t. We’re all allowed to have differences of opinion and perspective.
💋
Mrs Hotrhythm
aka
Lola
Quote by HornyNamCouple
Recently read an article on the difference between a hotwife couple and a cuckolding couple. And was struck by the author claiming that both of these lifestyle choices were built on open communication, love and mutual respect.
And that struck me as odd that they would say that of cuckolding - since its built on the male (husband) being humiliated, caged, and withheld from enjoying his wife.
How exactly is that based on mutual respect and love exactly? Curious to know what others think of it...
Lastly, to answer your question - The mutual respect flaccid is likely due to the act of a couple, consciously and consensually deciding to explore or partake in the kink together. It also could be a physical representation of respecting each other enough to accept their spouse in their entirety (irrespective of their fantasies)? Or perhaps it's that they allow each other other to explore their fantasies and show their spouse support by partaking, thus another form of showing respect.
As for how it's based on Love...? Well I suppose that's relative to how far a person is willing to go for love. Personally, I draw the line a sleeping in a cage and wearing a collar and leash - I walk on 2 legs for a reason! 🙆🏻♀️🤣 No matter how much I love you, you'll be sleeping in a "Wellness centre" before you'll get me to sleep in a cage.
But again, it comes down to what your boundaries are in love. Perhaps they feel like feeling free enough to explore without judgment, or just the fact that they can freely explore Cuckolding without fear of rejection or resentment and that in itself is a show of unconditional love to them?
Thanks MrsHotrhythm...thats very insightful. In the end it might just be that - we cannot fully understand the dynamics that drive these kinks unless we ourselves experience it. So for me its difficult to understand how someone in it could say that its mutually respectful. So at the end of the day, each person/couple need to make that decision for themselves.
You're so welcome, I'm glad you found some value in it.
Look, you're feelings around it is completely valid - It's absolutely incomprehensible that an act of degrading and essentially disrespect could be perceived as respectful...
But if we shift our thinking from the act to the core sacrifice, we could see that they don't necessarily find the disrespectful degrading act itself to be respectful but rather feel the respect on a deeper level aka acceptance, support, understanding ect.
This is Mrs Funcouplect responding - @HotrhythmZA and @HornyNamCouple - very interesting topic and debate - many years ago (13 years ago) when my partner disclosed his cuckolding fantasy to me, I could not understand it, as I am an ex-wife of two ex-husbands who were serious multiple philanderers and left me with serious emotional trauma. My question to him was " why would you want to watch another man F..K me"
We only had our first MMF experience, several years after dating - with clear boundaries in place. Strangely, from my perspective, MMF was always a fantasy of mine, which he entertained and enjoyed - boundaries were that I was not allowed to engage with the extra M after the act. Due to my nature, I got bored quite quickly after experiencing it a few times (but that's my personality)
Interestingly, I was the partner who introduced him to the "kinkier" lifestyle.
To date - we have not yet lived out the Cuckhold experience, where he watches. Zero humiliation involved - only because I have lost the desire for "kink": over the past few years. But we do include it in our dirty talk during sex.
Both your input and comments have their place - but don't blur the lines between cuckolding and BDSM humiliation - two very different scenarios.
This is a phenomenal article that covers the topic in detail.
My personal opinion - for what it's worth -a large part of the fantasy of men and cuckolding has nothing to do with the "cuck" and the "bull" - but rather about them getting turned on watching the "bull" and fulfilling their secret bisexual desires and fantasies.
True, originally the word cuckolding referred to the woman taking another lover and cuckolding her husband. Often that was non consensual, as the lady would be cheating. And it broadly continues to hold that meaning today, except that now it is done consensually. The husband is aware, gives his permission, and is turned on hearing about or witnessing the act.
Though in modern practice there seems to be a shift happening where the term cuckolding seems to have become more associated with the submission of the husband to the wife, and with the many more degrading BDSM practices like being humiliated or caged. While the Stag/Vixen dynamic (which can be considered a sub-division of cuckolding - if we hold to the orginal meaning of the word) seems to have a more equal power balance with the wife (and bull) respect the husband and not having things devolve into the more degrading aspects.
If one looks at the way it takes shape across porn platforms, and even erotic literature sites it seems to hold true.
Which returns us to the original thing that I was wondering about how can there be mutual respect in a cuckolding relationship if the aim is to slowly degrade the male in the relationship to a position of a sissy with no or little sexual intimacy with his significant other? Additionally it raises the questions as to whether we are colloquially using the term cuckolding correctly - or whether its slowly undergoing a change in meaning?
Quote by HornyNamCouple
True, originally the word cuckolding referred to the woman taking another lover and cuckolding her husband. Often that was non consensual, as the lady would be cheating. And it broadly continues to hold that meaning today, except that now it is done consensually. The husband is aware, gives his permission, and is turned on hearing about or witnessing the act.
Though in modern practice there seems to be a shift happening where the term cuckolding seems to have become more associated with the submission of the husband to the wife, and with the many more degrading BDSM practices like being humiliated or caged. While the Stag/Vixen dynamic (which can be considered a sub-division of cuckolding - if we hold to the orginal meaning of the word) seems to have a more equal power balance with the wife (and bull) respect the husband and not having things devolve into the more degrading aspects.
If one looks at the way it takes shape across porn platforms, and even erotic literature sites it seems to hold true.
Which returns us to the original thing that I was wondering about how can there be mutual respect in a cuckolding relationship if the aim is to slowly degrade the male in the relationship to a position of a sissy with no or little sexual intimacy with his significant other? Additionally it raises the questions as to whether we are colloquially using the term cuckolding correctly - or whether its slowly undergoing a change in meaning?
It could possibly be losing it meaning or it's true definition has been watered down over the years as people add their own take or understanding to a kink (which, in my opinion, has no place being defined and categorized in the first place)
In all honesty, the number of labels we have to use to define our own personal fantasies/kinks is totally ridiculous and causes more confusion & misunderstandings than it's meant to prevent.
In my mind, something as personally unique as your individual sexual preferences will likely never be a carbon copy of someone else's and therefore would never TRULY fit into any of the categories society wants us to use. Personally when covering sexual terms in workshops, I prefer using broader umbrella terms with subcategories for reference purposes only. Further defining and labeling (an already complex, sexual lifestyle category) just adds chaos in my opinion.
We did an episode on terms & terminologies (related to ENM only) and we couldn't fit all of the content into a 1h30m show. So many of the terms have only the slightest difference, which apparently then warrants creating a whole new term/label... This is prevalent if we look at how closely Cuckolding & Hotwife/stag is related - it could easily have just fallen under the same umbrella of "sharing your partner" and adding with cheating fetish, degradation or just stating "compersion".
We should normalize not needing to put everything in a box.
OK, rant over 😅
Very interesting...agree that it is very difficult to categorize something as intrinsically unique as an individuals kinks, fetishes and general sexual persuasion. But I doubt whether we would ever be able to normalize not trying to categorize. It is such a normal human thing to do when trying to make sense of a subject that can be so bewilderingly complex.
On a side note would have enjoyed the workshops I used to have to attend so much more if it covered such interesting topics.
