initiating sex

Warming the Bed

0 likes 8 Jan 2013

I was hoping to get some feedback from you married couples out there but I'm uncertain if I am going to be able to express myself clearly on this. How exactly do couples initiate sex ? It is planned ? Expected ? Or built up ? When I expect it and it doesn't happen I get pissed off so my wife suggested 'planned days' but this also doesn't work for me as ssince we have kids - "nothing can be planned" furthermore I feel its just boring as you know what to expect and when. As for the little nudge or the caress etc while in bed - the moment my wifes head hits the pillow she's out!! Only to wake up at two or three in the morning and rub her naked body over mine and tell me she's horny! Problem is - I love my sleep! And being woken up at three even if it is for a little something something, I can be a bit crabby! So there is another problem ! "I'm not being romantic or sensual" So how do couples initiate that special moment ? What signs does one look for ?

Voyer1105

Orgasminator

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

Pity for you My wife and I both being morning people I often wake up behind her back, already in her for a slow sensual session

joyrider

Master of Sex

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

I feel for you and fully understand where from you are coming. Where there are kids involved it seems to be the norm for arranged sex. We met a lovely cpl over Dec. the first meet was in public and 3 days later it was arranged sex. Like in (I mean guys) We only have 1 hour and 30min to do it in. So yes it does feel like wam bam thank you mam, but if you become friends with the cpl with kids and all, you kind of understand the scenario and work around the issues. I feel the same as you, but hey as time goes on it becomes better, I think so and hope so. lol

As far as the bedroom problem I think you must try the hat on the door handle and tell the kids when they see the hat on the door handle they must know you and mommy is going to sleep late and don't want to be disturbed. It worked for us.

Unknown User

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

Quote by kInky_1
I was hoping to get some feedback from you married couples out there but I'm uncertain if I am going to be able to express myself clearly on this.
How exactly do couples initiate sex ? It is planned ? Expected ? Or built up ?
When I expect it and it doesn't happen I get pissed off so my wife suggested 'planned days' but this also doesn't work for me as ssince we have kids - "nothing can be planned" furthermore I feel its just boring as you know what to expect and when.
As for the little nudge or the caress etc while in bed - the moment my wifes head hits the pillow she's out!! Only to wake up at two or three in the morning and rub her naked body over mine and tell me she's horny!
Problem is - I love my sleep! And being woken up at three even if it is for a little something something, I can be a bit crabby! So there is another problem ! "I'm not being romantic or sensual"
So how do couples initiate that special moment ? What signs does one look for ?

I can relate to your ever present challenge, as we have the same 'synching' challenge - I'm the 'morning guy', she can 'fiddle around' till late at night! So I see my marriage as normal LOL!!
It happens that a couple of days or weeks for that matter can go by without getting the right moment - both having our own businesses with own and unique daily rants with people and systems. To improve our buddy sessions (chat with no sexual expectations) we had to meet at a Coffee shop - not at home because of kids constantly hovering around us demanding our attention (nothing wrong with that – part of being parents)! I can recommend this because it's a gr8 way to get the communication going and it's still working for us today as we get to talk about everything .... except sex and fantasies (a good reason for now is being in a public place?)
When we do get around talking about sex the action actually happens! Afterwards I get the feeling that I'm the one starting sex talks and must be the individual that's thinking about sex all day!! LOL! In retrospect I subconsciously changed from the randy initiator to a wait(or) – waiting for a spontaneous moment. Talk talk talk about sex and your fantasies with your spouse (I recently started with that again because of what I picked up and learnt from reading the fora on this site!! - Yes we have very wonderful contributors here!) - it's your marital right (in love and respect). We have a happy marriage - we had many sexual encounters, many intimate moments, and it was mostly fun, but…..
Sex in the marriage is either a duty/service to the spouse OR harnessing the sexual energy to strengthen camaraderie / friendship (moving closer than close!) – I want the latter. I'm an avid reader and prefer to read educational books rather than fiction - I lately tried my 'hand' at reading the 50 shades series (have all 3 books!) but only got to page 116 of the first book and lost interest – despite all the academic information full of old paradigms (I will leave this for another discussion), it was here on SH that I started to experience 'the talk about everything to do with sex'

Unknown User

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

First set aside time. Planning isn't what makes it boring, it's doing it the same way all the time that makes it boring. If you know you're going want some nookie you are going to have to exercise forward thinking, start by messaging her in the afternoon and telling her that you thought she looked sexy that morning. Then about 20 minutes later, message her again and tell her that you've been thinking about how delicious she is. and then so forth... By the time you get home she will be aching for it. Also making a date night regularly (as much as once a week), by getting the kids sleepovers (if you have friends who have a similar problem, set up a "take each other's kids for date night" arrangement with them), finding a sitter and booking a night out or even sending them to the grandparents. You don't have to all clever to be romantic and sensual, you just need to figure out what her "hot buttons" are - and usually they are a lot for simple and easy than flowers and chocolates: For me - run a fingernail from the back of my ear down my spine to my tailbone and I'm jelly in seconds - no matter how grumpy I was 20 seconds ago. Inversely, you should also figure out what your hot buttons are... if you tell her that she needs to wake you with a BJ if she wants nookie at 3, coz what could be a better feeling to wake up to... (I love waking up being licked and nibbled), then TELL her that's what she needs to do to get you in the mood. Once you BOTH know what the other's "hot buttons" are, then it's a whole lot easier to have satisfying quickies and when the opportunity arises (20 minutes in the scullery or a chance to "crash" her shower coz the kids are watching Nemo) this becomes an exciting sexy game rather than something we have to figure out how to get around to doing, which of course DOES make it boring and unsatisfying - and TRUST me the more unsatisfying it is for her the less interested she will be. The keys things to remember: TELL EACH OTHER WHAT YOU WANT Tell each other what you like SPECIFICALLY and EXPLICITLY (this is quite an exciting thing to do too if you're not too embarrassed) and when your partner does - PAY ATTENTION, TAKE NOTES! Next: Remember that for a guy - a sexy pic will get him going, for a girl, you got to seduce her brain - make HER feel sexy and desirable. Just telling her you think she looks hot will get her juices flowing! If she shuts you down on compliments try a slightly different angle like coming up behind her while she' s cooking and nibbling her earlobe and telling her how delicious she tastes or telling her what you'd like to do to her on the kitchen counter or maybe even suggest she lose everything but the apron smile

You just have to wind her up a little, get her lizard brain (google it) to wake up. Lastly and most importantly, keep it fun, hiding from the kids and figuring how to get at each other can be a lot of fun if the POINT isn't necessarily just the bonk. If you just grab her quickly flip up her skirt give her a few licks and when she starts squirming a gentle slap on the butt and tell her that's her rations for the evening... by the time she gets to bed, sleep will be the LAST thing on her mind. Women have some many things clammering for their attention, that you have to crowd out that other stuff with your suggestions. Try it tonight!

Unknown User

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

Great advice! Good to hear it again from the other side! See! this is what communication do to people! lol

kInky_1

Warming the Bed

0 likes 9 Jan 2013

Superb advice and opinions guys! Thanks a mill!

mymail069

Warming the Bed

0 likes 10 Jan 2013

Quote by MattLeeEC
First set aside time. Planning isn't what makes it boring, it's doing it the same way all the time that makes it boring.
If you know you're going want some nookie you are going to have to exercise forward thinking, start by messaging her in the afternoon and telling her that you thought she looked sexy that morning. Then about 20 minutes later, message her again and tell her that you've been thinking about how delicious she is. and then so forth... By the time you get home she will be aching for it.
Also making a date night regularly (as much as once a week), by getting the kids sleepovers (if you have friends who have a similar problem, set up a "take each other's kids for date night" arrangement with them), finding a sitter and booking a night out or even sending them to the grandparents.
You don't have to all clever to be romantic and sensual, you just need to figure out what her "hot buttons" are - and usually they are a lot for simple and easy than flowers and chocolates:
For me - run a fingernail from the back of my ear down my spine to my tailbone and I'm jelly in seconds - no matter how grumpy I was 20 seconds ago.
Inversely, you should also figure out what your hot buttons are... if you tell her that she needs to wake you with a BJ if she wants nookie at 3, coz what could be a better feeling to wake up to... (I love waking up being licked and nibbled), then TELL her that's what she needs to do to get you in the mood.
Once you BOTH know what the other's "hot buttons" are, then it's a whole lot easier to have satisfying quickies and when the opportunity arises (20 minutes in the scullery or a chance to "crash" her shower coz the kids are watching Nemo) this becomes an exciting sexy game rather than something we have to figure out how to get around to doing, which of course DOES make it boring and unsatisfying - and TRUST me the more unsatisfying it is for her the less interested she will be.
The keys things to remember:
TELL EACH OTHER WHAT YOU WANT Tell each other what you like SPECIFICALLY and EXPLICITLY (this is quite an exciting thing to do too if you're not too embarrassed) and when your partner does - PAY ATTENTION, TAKE NOTES!
Next: Remember that for a guy - a sexy pic will get him going, for a girl, you got to seduce her brain - make HER feel sexy and desirable. Just telling her you think she looks hot will get her juices flowing! If she shuts you down on compliments try a slightly different angle like coming up behind her while she' s cooking and nibbling her earlobe and telling her how delicious she tastes or telling her what you'd like to do to her on the kitchen counter or maybe even suggest she lose everything but the apron
You just have to wind her up a little, get her lizard brain (google it) to wake up.
Lastly and most importantly, keep it fun, hiding from the kids and figuring how to get at each other can be a lot of fun if the POINT isn't necessarily just the bonk. If you just grab her quickly flip up her skirt give her a few licks and when she starts squirming a gentle slap on the butt and tell her that's her rations for the evening... by the time she gets to bed, sleep will be the LAST thing on her mind.
Women have some many things clammering for their attention, that you have to crowd out that other stuff with your suggestions.
Try it tonight!

Nice feedback Lee

KC_

Master of Sex

0 likes 10 Jan 2013

Having different body clocks does make it difficult to always find the right time. I am the morning person in our relationship, and K is the night person... which means weekends are the best for daytime sex when we are both awake... But I need sex more than just on weekends! We have a little arrangement based on our energy levels... As I am awake in the mornings, morning sex before work is my 'responsibility' for lack of a better word. Evening sex is his, when he has more energy... This simply means that I initiate morning sessions more often, and agree to do most of the 'work', and he initiates the evening sessions, where he does most of the work. We obviously can't always be on the same page, and are able to say "not now love" and have to simply please ourselves for that moment. At these times, watching each other self-pleasure does often end in a quickie anyway.... It never feels like we are pressured into having sex just because the other person is horny, I have a variety of toys to help me along when K is needing those extra 20minutes of sleep in the morning... smile

C

Unknown User

0 likes 10 Jan 2013

Quote by mymail069
Nice feedback Lee

It's what I do smile

(if that is a bizarre comment - I'm a relationship coach)

Unknown User

0 likes 10 Jan 2013

Quote by KC_
Having different body clocks does make it difficult to always find the right time.
I am the morning person in our relationship, and K is the night person... which means weekends are the best for daytime sex when we are both awake...
But I need sex more than just on weekends!
We have a little arrangement based on our energy levels...
As I am awake in the mornings, morning sex before work is my 'responsibility' for lack of a better word. Evening sex is his, when he has more energy... This simply means that I initiate morning sessions more often, and agree to do most of the 'work', and he initiates the evening sessions, where he does most of the work.
We obviously can't always be on the same page, and are able to say "not now love" and have to simply please ourselves for that moment. At these times, watching each other self-pleasure does often end in a quickie anyway....
It never feels like we are pressured into having sex just because the other person is horny, I have a variety of toys to help me along when K is needing those extra 20minutes of sleep in the morning...

C

Sheesh! Why didn't I think of that!
Thx a stack C, great arrangement - and easy to try!

Unknown User

0 likes 11 Jan 2013

So I've been waiting to hear how this advice has worked, and nothing! How will we know if our advice is crappy if you don't give us any feedback guys?

mymail069

Warming the Bed

0 likes 11 Jan 2013

Quote by MattLeeEC
So I've been waiting to hear how this advice has worked, and nothing!
How will we know if our advice is crappy if you don't give us any feedback guys?

My wife is a house wife with two extremely active boys (1.8 years and 7 years) ..... when her head hits the pillow at night she is lost to me!
Sunday evenings are usually a hit and miss issue, but hell I have a very high sex drive and really struggle with this.
Boarding school in a very far away and desolate arid land is unfortunately not an option for the boys smile

... they are kind of nice kids to keep around, with nice small fingers that can clean in those hard to reach places on heavy machinery around the gears and blades :) (just a joke before I get all hell on my head from a reader who might not posses a sense of dark humor)