The Livestyle - Are we doing it for the right reason

Good day all, we recently had a bad experience (non related to this post but I plan to share it once I have more clarification from the other part involved) which actually ended up turning into a great outcome. I have just returned from the weekend and wife is in bed but I cannot sleep because this is really bothering me and as a community we have enough societal issues to deal with and I was wondering if there are actually people out there that REALLY understand what it means when we say "Living the lifestyle" I am sitting here totally exhausted at the doorstep of catatonic stupidity but I will try my best to get a conversation started and really people will hear me out and do not label me as some idiotic Swingers social justice warrior. I have been in the what I then called swinging with a previous partner for a few years, quite a while back while I lived in Cape Town (swinging played no part in our break up) and we were Full swingers and we were very active in the scene. About 10 years back, well actually exactly 10 years back I met a stunning person whom I love with all my heart, with every vibration of every cell that makes up who I am. I think she is 13 or 12 years my junior (to dumb right now to confirm easier to type this explanation of why i am not 100% certain) Now I believe that, in The Lifestyle one of the most important things is honesty so let me practice what I preach. Sex with her is FKN awesome but getting to it is a problem, I can make as many excuses as I want but after looking at all the causes I have come to the conclusion my wife is living with a pervert, well at least if we use societal norms. I think Perversion is in ALL humans, I believe perversion is progressive and once an individual passes a certain "level" we seek more until we reach the stage where our unique individual moral code kicks in, the moment you tell yourself that is something I, as me, cannot do or enjoy etc and the line is drawn. Geez I just realized I need to hurry things along. 

OK so I used to swing I meet Hot girl we fuck like bunnies cos seriously who didn't those first few months and then for some reason you avoid it, start blaming work, you getting old and all the things you think is the right thing to say to not loose her but never do you dare be honest, kinda ironic don't you think. So a few years back I decide to be honest, i just want to emphasize that I never withheld my sexual past in any way I just told her that I have difficulty reaching a level of sexual arousal because I had Space Cakes before but now I only get Muffins, I love muffins but I CRAVE space cakes, I know that is going to be regarded as cruel if you read it but I did not tell her straight up I am just using an analogy, maybe one day I will get motivated enough to start writing my book and I you can read how to do it right. I know it was the right way cos it worked. I am not expecting her to jump onboard and whap bam we are out every weekend fucking up a storm. The other important part of The Lifestyle is Respect and Consent, ALL involved must get pleasure in the way THEY as individual participants demand, maybe demand is the wrong word I just cannot think of another one.

Through open and honest discussions things came to a point where she said we should try it, just some advice, if you are ever in the situation where you put this on the table and your partner responds I am ready to try it find out what would she like to try first, if you are living the lifestyle you know there are a lot of component to the Lifestyle not just what YOU want from the lifestyle. If YOU are putting onto the table the partner decides the first step and if there are things they come up with that you have not had running in your head before be willing to give it a try at least for crying out loud your partner, just by agreeing, is doing something very similar (how do I know I am again know what I am talking about just ask and i will answer) I was lucky with my previous partner, I hit the Swingers Jackpot, the girl created in perverted dreams, you know the one, You walking off the dance floor and when you get to the table you sat at there is your gf sitting with the girl you tried so hard to hide your stares from your partner, you for some reason think you are going to get the bad end of a stick and it takes you about 3 days to recover and figure out What the Fuck just Happened, Yip you guessed it, this is what she said "Hi Babes this is Jenny (not her real name I just like that name) and she is going home with us" Like a stupid idiot I actually asked "Why?" Wont bore you with the rest but that night was the start of something we were not actually doing FOR us it was the start of us just using one another to fuck as many people as we could, it was great ...or so I thought until I met REAL swingers and once I was able to comprehend the beauty that can be found in the lifestyle what I was doing up until then suddenly lost any meaning and all I was left with was with a delusion a cock swinging asshole who manipulated, lied, deceived and some other sketchy shit all to get what I wanted.

There are so many benefits from the Lifestyle, there truly is beauty in 2 people (or more) who are able to share something on this level and grow together. I want to life the Lifestyle with my partner but the REAL Lifestyle. I want to bring the beauty into our relationship. We just ended up having our first MMF threesome and even if this is where my partner decides is HER boundary I will accept it and after this weekend I realized it would be enough for me. we had a GREAT time, she was amazing and I cannot put into words how beautiful she looked. I know where I would like things to go but I also know where I do not want it to go but I would be happy just to see her happy. We started our journey, where the bus stops we will still find out and we are hoping to find people here who actually read to this part and gets what I am trying to express and help us find our destination

I thank you for your time reading this, I want to thank Swinging heaven for providing the platform but everyone who read this far knows we could make this site better if we are honest with others and beef up some issues. I know this probably going to be viewed for approval first so Dear Administrator/Moderator I wrote this with the highest respect and hope this is viewed with that in mind

Ja boet I get it have seen so many burn so bright only to fly too close to the sun!

If the focus becomes finding some one else ...warning.... we are blessed/cursed with an isolated life so the "lifestyle" is an occasional occurance we have seen too many obsessed by it and then their relationship suffers, remember set boundaries take it slow...its a great place to be but it will break a bad relationship can make good ones stronger but...too much of a good thing is usually bad...keep perspective always remember this was to enhance your as couples sexlife.

@ iamican

For NOW,  I read a VERY GOOD FORA discussion here, and a viable few insights into the lifestyle to be had, from all the active Fora participants.   And I am sure no one will be condescending towards you at all.

Let me see....I might come over as a little brain dead.

You were married and divorced and now married to a lady a few years your junior. Whom you now told about and asked to join the swingers lifestyle, as you missed it. Your current lady agreed to try.
You had a discussion about the swingers lifestyle but never gotten to the rules, all couples set in place for themselves before actively starting out. As an OLD swinger with previous experience with your previous wifey/partner you may not have thought to do this.
 
Now this part I am not sure I understand.
You and first wife/partner had the lady go home with you...or you and your current lady took the lady home. Something happened to make you uncomfortable, That time around? Now was/is it with your first wife/partner or the now lady? 
Is this when you knew you both are not doing the *swinging*lifestyle but just screwing around to your hearts content? Each one doing it for your own selves and needs?

Now, After the MMF weekend you enjoyed watching Your current lady enjoying herself And YOU enjoyed yourself as well. BUT you are not sure where this is leading you guys??
You would like to explore more, but will be satisfied if this is your ladies limit.

Only until I know the answers to the above, I might be able to give a little feed back to my own experiences from when I was active. Cause, if most things happened to you with your first lady partner it is surely irrelevant. BUT if it is happening to you NOW, with your current lovey, there is surely things you both NEED to discuss.

Good day Pussinboots, thank you very much for your reply and please accept our apology for the confusion. I was brain dead at the time I posted and realize my post is confusing, I just wanted to start a conversation going before I got all rested out and then decided to just leave things alone and not rock the boat as I would usually do. I attempt to answer the questions you posed to try and give you a better understanding of our situation. 

When I was in my early 20s I was involved with a girl and as most 20 year olds in a relationship we loved to party, I am an introvert by nature and did not have the best social skills. My gf at the time was totally a social butterfly and I could not believe my luck. At the time, for our age I was financially well off and she got me hooked on clubbing specifically Rave clubs. The incident described in my first post happened about 3 months into our relationship and kept going for the next 3 years. I am by nature a person who, like most introverts, tend to over analyze things and make sense of every situation and label it so I labeled what was going on as "We are living The Lifestyle" not really knowing what that really meant but just having seen the term used by swingers in general. After our relationship came to an end dated more and even were engaged to someone.

Ten years ago I was introduced to my current partner and I truly believe I experienced what real love is for the first time, the type of love where my happiness is directly dependent on that of my partner. I started understanding things on an emotional level I never even thought of. I realized that prior to meeting her I actually did not know anything about love.

I started experiencing problems with my sexual performance early in our relationship and this started affecting my wife as she thought the problem might be with her and this made me worried about losing her so my ocd nature kicked in and I had to find an answer. I started doing research, talking to people, seeing a doctor etc. I had to find a solution, I am not going to let this relationship fail. 

I met someone who is a sexual behavior psychologist and started opening up about my past and during these conversations I made the ignorant statement that I used to life the Lifestyle. I was then explained what the Lifestyle really was about and came to the realization I knew nothing about it. The reason I started this post was because I have realized that I am not the only one. There are people on this site who are posing a threat to people like us who are really wanting to benefit from the lifestyle. We do not have issues with them and they are welcome to do things their way. If you look at how long we have had our profile and only recently having experienced something associated with the lifestyle you will understand that we have worked hard to get to this point. We have talked openly and nothing was done without due consideration. We met someone on the site about a month ago and set up a meet for this weekend past and we were really excited. We whatsapped and even video called and things looked great. We did shopping, got her hair done and all those little things to make it special and make her feel confident. So come Friday we receive a message from him answering our question of what time we should meet and where with just "I think 18h00". We still did not have the address but left from our place and headed to Durban. We tried a few times via message and then we tried to phone...nothing. Now I do not want to accuse anyone without knowing their side of the story first but unable to get hold of him and even his profile is gone or he blocked us.

We stopped at Ballito to have a drink and decide what we going to do from there and I could see the doubts my wife started to have, how she was thinking she had something to do with us being stood up, how she started to question everything we have been talking about the past few years. I could feel her confidence taking a knock. We have carefully structured a path step by step without time frames and without any defined expectations of the final destination. I am not interested in going to the destination I was at before and want us to find OUR destination that works for us.I refuse to deny the person I claim to Love the physical pleasure she deserves at an age where her sexuality desires and needs is supposed to be just because of things i did in my past and I am not going to make her feel bad or blame herself either so I wanted to find out if there are people on this site who understand the Lifestyle who would be interested in maybe forming a group where we can share and stand together and help one another. I see a lot of people calling themselves newbies and these people may be like us and some idiot can ruin something that could save their relationship or even just enhance what they already have. I would like to be part of a community conforming to the general principles that guides what a community is made up of. I have a few ideas and wanted to get input from others and somehow get confirmation that it is not just me over analyzing or being the weird one with a LaLaLand version of the Lifestyle who bought into a psuedo intellectual concept.

I should really proof read my post first 

Ok you are going to have to grow a thick skin when it comes to being stood up it has happened so many times to us that we go out with the expectation of being stood up. Treat it as a date and if the person shows then u pleasantly surprised..

Try to attend a meet and greet or swing club as u get to meet "real" swingers a cpl at a time we never played at a club but was great place just to meet new people.

Swinger sites ...u will always have wannabes and looky loos never mind all the cheats so careful and be very fussy.

Also remember most fantasies are better as fantasy not often reality lives up to it.

2c for now

@ iamican  Thank you for the clarification. To me, you seem on the RIGHT tract and  do not really need any help, as the most of the first post is in Your Past, and you already know that what you had, was not really Lifestyle orientated. And you already share a lot of positive expectations and insight in your new relationship and Lifestyle journey.

I would however suggest you follow Karoocpl`s advice to go to meet and greets if there is any on your side of the computer, and to go to clubs rather than make plans with single people.  I Think SH is a fun place to be, I made a lot of friends here and we still meet up from time to time (just for coffee mind you) but for a *newbie* couple I really would suggest to only find couples to meet up with first, so You and your Lovey can find some Lifestyle mentors, there is really a LOT of them right here but also more so when you meet in an situation/area where there is NO expectations. And it usually is GREAT to have someone to talk to, to ask advice from. BUT once again be sure they make  being Mentors a positive experience and as you said, and NOT for their OWN agenda. 

As for the no-show...well, I myself was guilty of that at times,I am ashamed to reveal, but I usually had reasons for that. But also know it happens/ed to the best of us and more frequently than what more people will admit to. It is really not you or your lovey`s fault but sometimes just remember the guilty party might have a relevant and good reason. Just make sure when It happens that if you stand someone up, to apologize as soon as possible, or even better to phone before hand and cancel. YOUR no show,  however is guilty of bad manners and surely he is just a WANKER.......

Everything of the best for you guys!!!!!  

@iamican I am truly sorry that you had that shitshow of a first try!! No one deserves that! Unfortunately this seems to be such a common occurrence and I can only say sorry that you have to fall victim as well.

All the best with the rest of your endeavor, I hope that the rest of your journey will be more successful!

@iamican

sorry to hear about this assbag who stood you up. if he blocked you, you dont need his side of the story. period. he was horny, got off by you actually wanting to meet. then he left. as for the thick skin, yes, this will not be your last time being stood up, even by couples, not to even mention single ladies. we treat everyone as a no show, until they are on our actual doorstep. for single guys, we tell them that the sex starts at 20:00 with or without them. and the Mrs and I have a blast weather they pitch or not. its people like this, who fucks everything up for newbies, or people who have been struggling to start swinging for a long long time. check the vouches, contact those people.

your Mrs is beautiful, sexy and attractive. its really his loss. 

we got mad in the past if someone stood us up. well i did. I was getting out of hand, i needed it to work, i was addicted to swinging. then we got pregnant, and we had to stop for about 2 years. it drove me mad. until we discovered cannabis. hehe. the sex with my wife is out of this world. better than swinging, better than fucking any other girl. 

let the singles come to you. that way, they have to make the effort.

Ok so I want to comment on the first post mainly ...,.Ok heres the thing I'm not experienced at all but I've had female playmates that I could def watch getting gang banged silly I mean they were friends but I guess deep down they were just fuck toys .....now when you meet that one that gorgeous cute love of your life .....ok look I don't think monogmy works wouldn't mind if she and I had a bit of fun together or on the side .....But I don't think I cute watch the love of my life been wildly gang banged by a bunch of horny sweaty gorillas jerking and drooling while I sat watch like a tosser ....I just think it would fuck me up inside does anyone who truely loves and cares for their wife get a kick a kick out of such a crude spectacle ....I mean if its just a random woman sure I'm into it but I dont think i'd like to see that very much. never had hardon issues due to guilt even when i cheated but when i used drugs it was an annoying pain and a bit embarrassing