31 May 2016

Chapter 2 The Time In Between.

The first 6 months of being separated, or single if you like, we had moved apart, she had a new man in my life and there was so much anger and frustration between us that we could barely talk. She had finally taken the plunge, bought her own place and despite the fact that we were still legally married we were to all intents and purposes living a separate and single life. She had first moved out in the March, I had begged and pleaded with her to stay and try work it out, but she was getting lots of love from the new man in her life and I did not feature at all. It was a very tough period for both of us we still had very strong feelings for each other, but it had taken a lot out of her to make the break We had huge fights and it was a period of bitterness, judgment and many arguments. We both needed time to heal, time and space. Eventually I filed for divorce. Hard ass and arrogant would be two pretty good descriptions, maybe even bastard. Divorce is never pretty, or amicable. Someone is always pissed off. It was not a period I care to remember The December our divorce was finalized, but there was no big happy party, well not for me anyway it was the worst Christmas of my life. A few mates of mine and I had planned a trip to the Cape to enjoy a millennium party, my now ex wife was off with her boy friend on a holiday in Mozambique. I cried many tears that Christmas and was haunted by the loss of my wife and family.

Coming back from the Cape and back at work I was desperate and very lonely, My job was suffering I had taken extensive periods of leave in the period leading up to the divorce traveled to Malaysia, Thailand and Australia to get my head right or so I thought, to forget my past. There was no way I was able to forget anything. I had always enjoyed traveling, but those trips, were my first alone and it was a terribly sad time to me. Most nights were spent in the pub, drinking beer and getting pissed, there was not much else to do and as a result, my work and career was suffering. Desperate for some release from the ever guilt ridden faces of friends and acquaintances, all who thought they could give advice to me, save the dam world. The endless hours sitting and discussing, questioning, trying to understand, what the fuck had gone wrong. Of course I knew what went wrong, it just took another five years of thinking about it before the penny dropped.

My marriage had been over for nearly ten years, in fact the day of my first affair was the end of our trust and that cancer slowly grew and consumed all the rest. Somehow we had managed to spare my son from the decay, although in later years he did show the effects and I know he was hurting, today maybe this record of my life may put him straight.

My personal life was almost non-existent, but I did meet some very nice friends, slowly got into the singles and dating lifestyle. Having a wide circle of friends from all walks of life is essential to survive a divorce. Everyone just wants you to get on with your life and be happy. I frequented the club and rave scene. Ecstasy, acid, poppers, all became distractions for me as I slowly healed. Making love to other woman or get lost in a haze of music at some club while tripping on E. Life was fantastic and there was no shortage of sex. There are a lot of lonely divorcees out there. I also reconnected with swingers and couples that wanted to have threesomes and other arranged sexual interaction. These were generally home parties. The couples who visited me or I visited them were from all walks of life and in need of sex, which is something I was still capable of doing and it also avoided me having to get into any serious relationship. I was also now starting to contact single woman via the Internet I no longer had to worry about a place to take them or where to fuck them. I met Delia, Margaret and Lisa in this way. We had regular fuck cessions at my place together and I was also seeing a number of couples at the same time.

I started a small office affair with my personal assistant a 30-year-old divorcee who had got divorced at the same time as me. She was blonde quite pretty and loved sex. We had become friendly after her divorce and as we were the only 2 single people in the department. One evening after an in house conference we had gone out for drinks with work colleagues. Most of the married folk left early and we had partied until very late before going back to my place. There we drank even more and she eventually passed out and I had to drag her onto the bed to get some sleep. It was a rather strange experience.

She had been telling me that her ex husband had started inviting other couples over for sex, with them but she had fallen for one of these guys in a big way and the sex had been so good she had wanted him to fuck her in the ass. She could not stop telling me how fantastic it had been and that the experience had created a huge issue with her husband. . He had wanted to know all the details of what she had done with this guy and they had spent the night in separate rooms and when he found out she had let this guy fuck her ass, he freaked out and after that they had huge fights and jealousy as she would not repeat the performance with him. Eventually they had split up and got divorced, but he was still stalking her and parking outside her flat at night, so she could never have male visitors.

On one such night after she had passed out and I had put her too bed, she got sick and threw up all over herself. I had no choice but to strip her and put her in a bath to clean her up. We continued to see each other at various functions and dates after that. It was on one of these nights where she stayed over after a lot of alcohol that we fucked each other for the first time. It was very good sex, and we did not rest; she was really horny and lonely. I sucked her and she gave great head. The following weekend we repeated the performance again and it was great fun, even if we both had a really great night, it was short term fling. Well until a month later and she came to me with this rather sheepish look saying she thought she may be pregnant. Well after Doctors tests it was confirmed and there was no question or discussion she just wanted it gone and so I arranged an abortion for her and the problem was taken away. We never did fuck again after that, but we remained friends and it had been her first fuck since her divorce and she just needed to know she was still desired and could enjoy sex as much as I did.

It was in the March of that first year of being divorced that I met Jenny. She was a friend of a mate of mine who had also got divorced was trying to date. Jenny is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Down to earth, a really nice person to talk to and well she was young and sexy and I wanted her. We had arranged a huge party at my place, two single guys and as many woman as we could invite. It was a singles party and I invited all the woman I had been seeing over the past year, while he did the same. It was at this party that Jenny and I found a connection. She had come along unexpectedly with another friend. We had a great weekend together and it was not long before we got involved in a really nice relationship. The sex was good and I was more than satisfied, We had tremendous fun together and were partying hard, most weekends. Our relationship lasted almost a year and it was really great. I will always be grateful to her for the time we spent together and she really taught me how to live again after my divorce. She carries a special place in my heart and we remain friends today.

As an escape after our relationship ended I once again reverted to my past patterns of behavior, meeting up with various couples and started a long distance cyber relationship with a woman in Cape Town. I had started writing and one day wrote a fairy tale, of my own design and making, which was both pornographic and sometimes even quite funny and I could not wait to get home each evening to finish the story. Jenny was a willing player in this game with me, but what she did not know was that she was not the only participant in the game. My unknown Cape Town cyber lover played along for months after my relationship with Jenny had ended. I owe a huge apology to her, for the anguish I put her through, in a relationship doomed for failure and am grateful for her friendship today. I suppose I can say the same for a few of my subsequent relationships were also doomed for failure due to my obsession with winning my ex wife back at the time.

I went through a lot of second thoughts about my marriage and what had happened. Jenny made the months fly by but eventually my thoughts would drift back to my past life and my wife. We had stayed in contact , telephonically and meeting for coffee regularly and once my relationship with Jenny ended, I was once again writing long and sometimes complicated explanations of my behavior and life to my ex wife. Often pleading for some kind of forgiveness that she could not give. It was not in her power to forgive, because she was not the cause of my problems in life. Only I was and I was totally fixated with the idea of winning her back.

I had made application to immigrate, try and turn my life around and start again. This application had dragged on for years, but eventually it was a reason for my ex wife and I to discuss our lives and open up to each other, more than we had in along time. We even went to a few counseling cessions together, to see if there was any chance to heal some of the past issues. Sadly these cessions never lasted very long and after a few months, she decided it was a waste of time. I had also sort out a counselor , but we never discussed anything relating to my real issues. My God we had barely started to discuss, affairs, never mind swinging clubs with these counselors so what chance did they have of dealing with my fucked up life. I continued to write and communicate with my ex, and it clearly showed my total desperation, emotional black mail, and manipulation and total denial.

Years later I look back and wonder? What a waste of my time, all those months of believing there had been a chance for either of us to try and understand it all. Hours at counseling never once mentioning anything about sex, swinging, affairs or whatever. An absolute waste of time

It was during this period of being alone that nothing else mattered except for the next letter, phone call or e mail from ex wife. Discussions with friends always revolved around asking questions trying to understand and rationalize her behavior when I should have looked inwards. Without full time work, and an over active imagination, I built my own reasons why we should get back together when in fact I needed to heal myself first, and then well ,what will be will be. Yes I do owe her an apology and a thank you, for it was only by her leaving that I was able to start living again. Well living in the sense that I found a true passion in life, writing which could hope to compete with my love for sex. But I will leave the reader to judge for themselves, the honesty of my intentions. I know that these letters were written with love. Many years later while sitting having a cup of coffee with my ex wife I finally fully understood. She had never meant to hurt me or cause me any pain. Our relationship had run its course, and we could enjoy a cup of coffee as a man and a woman, our past meant nothing anymore. We had truly become equals and could respect each other’s lives, choices and friendship. The only question that remains to be answered is whether some of my revelations will shock not only her, but also many of the women I have known. All I can say in this regard is I keep a special piece of all of you in my heart.